Celebrities and scarcity.

Life has been all over the place lately.

Hungover from a party, bathed in the pink light that filter through the pink velvet drapes in my LA house. Pondering stupid shit like the meaning of celebrity.

Get ready for a journey, today’s essay is all over the place!

I’m in LA right now, got back about a week ago. I wasn’t planning on staying down here very long but once I got here I remembered how much I like my little LA bungalow (and having a functioning kitchen). While it has been a struggle keeping these two houses afloat, I am so grateful that I get to live in such nice places. Right now, the Londo Lodge kitchen project is at a standstill while I wait for a few paychecks to come in so I can pay the remaining $10,000 for my cabinets (Update: this money came in literally as I was writing this). I have a decent chunk of change heading to me in the next few weeks and I’m feeling a bit conflicted about it. Of course, I’d love to dump most of it into finishing my kitchen so I can start renting out the cabin and finally implement the financial model that was supposed to make this whole situation feasible. But I also am just so tired of not having money.

The options I have right now are not ideal - it’s either spend $30K to get the kitchen done and risk running out of money again, or save the money and push the kitchen project off a bit (meaning I wont be able to rent the house out). The latter sounds appealing because of just how exhausting it is to worry about money, but another part of me just wants to rip the Band-Aid off, get the kitchen done, and finally get some income out of that house so I can stabilize financially.

Aside from the new show I shot, the spring and summer were really dry work wise but things seem to be picking up and I’m definitely feeling relief knowing I have some good money coming in. However, if I’ve learned anything from the past three years it’s not to rely on work and paychecks continuing to flow - it’s been so up and down. But you gotta take your wins while you can and for now I am just so thankful to have some money in my bank account and to be slowly going through all my past due bills getting myself caught up. I’m feeling cautiously optimistic.

The past few years have definitely messed up my credit, which is a bummer because my car lease is up soon and I need to get another one. It’s looking unlikely I can get a car loan now, which means I'm rethinking how I’ll manage to pay for a car. The plan as of now is to get the cheapest truck I can find, pay for it in cash, and have it as a work vehicle for the cabin. I’m not really a truck person, but getting one has been at the back of my mind since buying the cabin. You definitely need a truck in a town like Fish Camp because there’s constantly a need to get rid of stuff (yard waste, construction waste, etc) by taking it to the dump.

I’m oddly not that bothered about my shitty credit. Like I get how the system works, I didn’t keep up my end of the bargain so I don’t deserve more credit. It kind of feels like this is just a correction, a set of parameters making it so that my future will be a lot more financially balanced, less indebted. So I feel good about it. And just relieved that I’m starting to pay off credit cards as I can. There’s a weird, misplaced morality about money. I feel so guilty when I can’t pay a bill on time. So as much as I think our financial system is deliberately designed to keep poor people poor, there is definitely relief in getting back in good standing.

Trigger warning, I’m gonna talk about body stuff for the next few paragraphs…

For some reason, my appetite dissolved a few weeks ago so I’ve lost 17 of the 40 pounds I gained this spring. It feels like sometimes my body just decides it wants to be skinny. This happened in 2019 as well. I wish I were the kind of person who could always find motivation to stay fit and healthy, but I’m not. And stress definitely always leads to packing on weight for me. I’m not sure if I’m anxious and just don’t know I’m anxious or if something else is going on with my health. I was just barely able to keep my health insurance (thanks in part to this newsletter) so maybe I’ll go to the doctor soon and see what’s up.

All of this is to say that things are good this week and I am happy. And so thankful for all the supportive comments. Being able to write this newsletter, getting to talk about whatever I want to talk about, and communicating with you is really meaningful to me. I love sharing and hearing about other peoples’ experiences.

Kelly and I have been hanging out a lot and that’s been really great for my soul. She comes over to my cozy little house and we play “The Song Game” for hours and hours. The Song Game is something Kelly taught me and it’s really the best thing to do with friends when they come over. All you do is play a song, then the next person plays a song. What’s fun about it is that when someone plays a song it triggers memories and helps you choose your next song. For example, I’ll play an old Bjork song and then we both will talk about what we were doing in our lives when we first listened to it. It’s just a great conversation starter and a good way to pass the time.

Kelly and I have really similar musical taste and grew up listening to the same music, mostly late nineties and early oughts indie music like Radiohead, Air, Talking Heads, and so on. But she’s way better at contemporary music which is great for me because I’ve been stuck in a music rut. I feel like I haven’t been excited an artist since Grimes came out. I need new music in my life.

Kelly invited me to a party last night thrown by one of her actor friends. It was at a little bar in Silver Lake and it felt like a Time Machine into 2004 New York. In 2004 I was working for a music promotion company where my job was to pitch bands to press. It came with the perk of getting to go to really fun indie shows by the artists we represented (Sufjan Stevens, Joan As Police Woman, The High Water Marks, etc).

The Silver Lake bar felt like a New York bar. Dark and small and perfect for listening to music. And the crowd at this party was insane. Iconic 90s band frontwoman. That actress you may remember from “Arrested Development.” A hot non-binary musician. My favorite moment of the night was when a renowned actress and comedian walked into the patio area and everyone burst into applause. Some people just have a magical presence and there is something really comforting about watching them be adored for it.

I know all of this sounds kind of star fucky but I’m writing it more as an “Isn't this surreal?” than a “Hey I know celebrities!” I’m always kind of shocked when I end up in these types of events and spaces. I guess because of what I do and who I am, some of my friends have a good deal of notoriety. I’m not really celebrity-obsessed and I’ve never sought out famous people as friends. Quite the contrary, I’ve broken up with friends after they’ve gotten famous and annoying. My pet peeve is climby people - like people who go after the most famous person in the room and try to befriend them for the benefit of their own careers. I know some people like that and I keep them at arm’s distance.

If you’re not a Hollywood person, these circles of friends can seem really superficial and status-obsessed. And of course there are always people like that but one thing that’s surprised me as I’ve met more and more famous people is that most of them are just nerdy artists that like other artists. We think of celebrities, especially actors, as these rich and powerful people. But when you get a big group of them together you realize there’s more diversity, economic and otherwise, than you might think. I guess I always expect famous people to be assholes so I’m always surprised when they’re not.

Many actors you know and love work paycheck to paycheck and are not wealthy. Those people hang out with people a lot richer than them. And the rich celebrities don’t judge the poorer ones - they just see each other as fellow creatives. I’m pretty open about money and financial struggle and not one A-lister has ever made me feel weird about that. I guess my point is that in groups of friends that are also celebrities, the vibe is a lot more respectful and community minded than you might expect.

There have been so many moments of my life that have shot me right back into my past and made think “IF ONLY 12 YEAR OLD ME KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.” When I was twelve, I watched Wilson Cruz play a gay character on “My So-Called Life.” And in so many ways he was an inspiration to me, just a small blip of “Hey there’s more of us out here.” We’re Facebook friends now and I see him at the gym from time to time. Like I’m pretty sure he knows who I am. Which if you’d told kid me that, I wouldn’t have believed you.

I guess the weirdness with these experiences of meeting old heroes of mine is that it feels so surreal. As kids we see celebrities as almost imaginary characters that just exist as avatars for ourselves. And when you meet one it’s like “oh, this wasn’t my imagination, this avatar has agency and can see me.” It’s like if a dog started talking or a mannequin said your name. It’s jarring to be seen by an object. And we make celebrities into objects in the way we consume, watch, support, and follow them.

Wow, I’m really going into a deep dive about the meaning of celebrity and notoriety. But last night was just one of those “Wait this is so weird how did I get here?” nights. Not a “pinch me” moment because that would be annoying. More like a “Who am I and what I’m I doing here?” moment. Celebrity is of course a game and an economy but let’s be real it is fun to talk about.

I grew up in a family, especially my dad, hell-bent on being too cool to care about celebrities. In college I started reading celebrity magazines ironically. At the time it was kind of trendy for “smart kids” to talk about dumb celebrity shit. Like we reveled in how frivolous and stupid it all was. And what I learned from that was that celebrities are only fascinating because they create opportunities for us to chat about societal mores, about ourselves. My go-to slogan from my college days was “Celebrities are the catalyst for cultural conversations” (I was pretentious in college, probably a defense mechanism).

To some people in the world, I am a famous person because I’ve been on TV. To most people, I’m an unknown. Which is such a weird element of celebrity - you’re only famous to the people who know who you are. When I was in grad school John Waters came to Penn and I was tasked with guiding him around campus. I was shocked that most people I talked to didn’t know who he was. IT’S JOHN FUCKING WATERS! But still, this person who was presented to me by my parents as an icon was widely unknown to the students at Penn.

I’ve had some really weird experiences with celebrities coming up to me, assuming I knew who they were, and me having NO FUCKING CLUE who they were. Those situations are SO uncomfortable. For that reason, I’ve always assumed no one knows who I am wherever I go. Which maybe means I sometimes do things I probably shouldn’t be doing when people who shouldn’t be watching are watching.

My friends and I have a joke that I only get recognized when I’m completely fucked up. A few years ago in Provincetown I was a bit tipsy after happy hour and a minivan pulled over next to me and my friends as we walked home from the bar along the side of the road. Out of the car came two parents and their sweet five-year-old daughter. They were so sweet and asked for a picture with me. However, I was wearing the tiniest short shorts, my shirt was OFF, I was all sweaty from walking uphill, and I definitely didn’t look sober - I was partying with my friends in a crazy gay vacation spot! It honestly makes me laugh that the only time someone recognizes me I’m in some sort of messed up state because it’s not like I’m walking around drunk all the time. But when I am, I get recognized every time. In the day to day I forget there’s the possibility that someone might know who I am. Because oddly there’s something a bit scary and overwhelming about the idea that somebody might, like a fear of being judged or scrutinized.

The contrasts in my life can be jarring, especially over the past three years. One week I’m stuck at my cabin with no money to buy food or gas. The next week I finally get paid a big chunk, book another big gig, and somehow end up at an A-list party. My financial instability has reaffirmed my empathy for people at all ends of the economic spectrum while getting paid reminds me of my own privilege. It’s honestly kind of a mindfuck to be both extremely stressed about money and also aware of your own immense privilege. It’s hard to hold those two things at once, perhaps impossible.

On further thought I think the appetite thing has to be anxiety related. I am just so scared of fucking up right now that making any move feels terrifying. I really don’t want to spend money on my kitchen but I also really don’t want to be under the burden of funding two homes forever. I bought the cabin because I was worried about renting forever and never having an asset that would allow me to build wealth (and I couldn’t afford to buy in LA). But my investment in my future financial stability has definitely come at the cost of my current day-to-day.

I’m taking a beat before I make a decision. If I book a few more big gigs I’ll probably go for it and just finish the kitchen. If not, I guess my dream kitchen (and all the related sponsorships) will have to wait. I am frozen in fear but I am determined not to fuck this up.