Eleven Years Ago I Dumped All My Friends and Started Over and It's One of the Best Things I've Ever Done for Myself.
Turns out status obsessed people aren't my vibe.
Prologue
I ran into my friend Ben at a party on Saturday. A few of my friends - guys I’ve known for about fifteen years - decided to throw a warehouse party in downtown LA for their birthdays and it was really fun. I hadn’t seen Ben in months - the last time I saw him was at a super-packed opening for an exhibition of his ceramic mural works at a gallery in Downtown LA. It was so packed I barely got to talk to him. And I had my mom with me and the crowd was a bit overwhelming - like so many people it felt chaotic. I was overjoyed seeing how successful the opening was but I didn’t stay long because it was giving me anxiety and I could tell my mom was overwhelmed, too.
Seeing Ben at the party sent me into one of those gratitude moments I’ve been having lately. He’s always been a brilliant artist but more than that, he is made of kindness and humility and was sort of a doorway for me into a new life. And I will always be thankful to him for that. We had a brief moment where we wondered if there was a romantic vibe between us but there wasn’t, so we’ve remained close friends ever since.
When I moved to LA, all my friends here were made through people I had gone to Cornell and Penn with. Ambitious, preppy, and in many ways obsessed with status. Ivy League vibes. I kind of thought that was who I was. And by 2011 I had a boyfriend that was very that. He was from a suburban bourgeois family, he loved designer label shit and exclusive-yet-trite things like Soho House and Nobu, and I kind of fell into that trap as well. I thought that because of my background and education I was supposed to be a certain way. I thought was just what “successful” people acted like and I wanted to be and be seen as successful.
I was no angel at the time. In high school, I kind of got obsessed with designer clothes and status as well. I wanted to be a lawyer, probably mostly because it was something that made lots of money and seemed high-status. Looking back, I think my interest in wealth and status was more about feeling maligned by the predominantly uneducated and lower-income kids at my high school that it was about actually giving a shit about money and power. My connotation with rural poverty wasn’t a good one because most of the rural poor kids I knew we assholes (I now know that people from all economic backgrounds have an equal ability to be total assholes).
I can see now that my high school peers were probably assholes because they were dealing with rough, abusive situations at home and living with actual scarcity, and I have much more empathy for them today than I did as a kid. It’s hard to have empathy for someone who is homophobic and bullying you. But I know now those kids were struggling and it makes me sad to think about the fact they only way they could expel their pain was through imparting it onto other, more vulnerable kids.
I had some brilliant friends from very economically challenged backgrounds in high school. Kids who came from families without a lot of money that were innately just brilliant and worldly. So even then I knew that class had nothing to do with one’s innate value. But I did rebel against the ruralness of my high school experience by wanting to acting as unlike the rest of the kids there as possible, including by wearing expensive designer clothes (Diesel, Dolce & Gabanna, and Prada were my favorite) that I bought myself with money I earned by working weekends and summers for the entirety of high school (my mom would buy us practical apparel but found designer things to be ostentatious, tacky, and frivolous).
When I got to college I got used to being read as poor because I was from a rural place. Reminder, my Mexican dad is a doctor and so there is a few layers to me responding to being thought of as poor - it’s about more than just me - it’s an ancestral reaction. Ironically, some of the wealthiest kids I knew in college were the ones from rural areas - you don’t just end up at a school like that randomly if you go to a high school where no one else gets out of your small town. It’s usually kids with privilege who get out. College gave me a really nuanced understanding of class, class presentation, and how false it all is. And in many ways that shaped my sense that class hierarchy is absurd, made up, and doesn’t really matter.
2007
When you move to a new place, like when I moved from Philadelphia to LA, you tend to seek out like-minded, similar people with similar backgrounds. So I met friends mostly through a close friend I had from Cornell. And he was mostly friends with affluent kids who also went to fancy schools. In a way I really don’t feel like I chose this. I just kind of fell into it and never really fit in. While everyone else had parents who paid for lavish vacations and clothes well into their thirties, I paid for all my own shit. Everyone else was into going to “cool” and “exclusive” places where I felt really weird.
One example is the Chateau Marmont. My ex - the 2013 bourgeois one (remember bourgeois means class-obsessed middle class, not rich) - was obsessed with fancy shit like the Chateau. I went there a few weeks ago and was so creeped out. The energy is just so gross. When you show up a security guard asks you why you are there and who you are seeing. And even though I was there visiting and actual celebrity the energy just felt gross. I don’t like places obsessed with keeping people out. It feels like the dumb people in high school who just wanted to feel popular. Like they never grew up and still need a cool kids club. Which ends up making it the literal antithesis of cool because no real artists or up-and-coming creatives go there. I feel the same way about Soho House, an “exclusive” chain of members only clubs that pretend to curate artists and Bohemians but really just attract a bunch of wannabes that make you feel kind of pathetic by association just for entering the building. If you have to apply to enter a building, I don’t want to go there. That’s literally the antithesis of cool and chill, two things I like.
2013
That 2013 boyfriend dumped me and it was probably one of the best things to ever happen to me. Because I realized I’d been caught up in a bunch of status-obsessed, superficial nonsense that had nothing to do with my actual personality. I guess I kind of thought I had to be that way because that’s what “successful” people did. But I know plenty of successful people with good values. They care about their friends and families and could give two shits where you went to college or how much money your family has.
I was so grossed out realizing how long I’d played into this status-obsessed bullshit that I realized I needed to completely dump my group of friends and start over. That group of friends was kind of what you think about when you think about LA - superficial people who only care about how much money you have and what you can do for them.
As an adult, it can be really hard to choose your friends. They are mostly the result of your past experiences, who you meet, and where you live. But it is possible.
The first step I made in completely changing my life was reaching out to then-YouTuber Jeffery Self. I’d been a fan of his for years and he’d recently moved from New York to LA (he recently moved back to New York - asshole!). Through Jeffery I met my friend Jim, who is a sort of social hub for artists and creatives on the Eastside of LA. I get a lot of shit from my Eastside friends for living on what they consider the Westside (near West Hollywood) but I’ve always liked living here and I don’t plan on moving east even if all my friends live there. Plus, I’m convinced you can’t become cool just for moving to a “cool” neighborhood. There are plenty of superficial dolts who live in Bushwick and Highland Park.
This is around the time I met Ben. I can’t really remember how I met him but he’s been a friend ever since. I’ve seen him grow from a successful, brilliant artist to a wildly successful and well-known sculptor and make who collaborates with amazing people like Kelly Wearstler and has done installations for incredible institutions and extremely high-profile clients. The joy of growing up with people and watching them change, seeing their success along with their hardships (Ben’s downtown LA studio burned down in 2015, forcing him to start over from scratch) is incredible. I have a lot of friends like that. I’ve seen them put in the work and I’ve seen it finally pay off for them. And there’s just no better feeling.
2024
Being a part of an artists community also means we have friends who are not having a “moment.” People who haven’t worked in years. I’m doing okay, but I’m definitely more in that category than the “having a moment” category. And I have never been treated as less interesting or less successful because of that. I matter no matter what and that’s why I feel so lucky to know these people.
I guess my main point here is that if I can do this, so can you. I realized I’d been kind of a superficial asshole and made an effort to change my personality and change the people around me. I’m not an innately outgoing person but I found that I could get the friendships I wanted if I just went for it, if I just asked for what I wanted.
My advice for you if you feel like your friends are kind of darksided - get out! Find people you actually do want to be friends with and reach out to them. You’ll be surprised at how receptive people can be to you wanting to be friends with them.
One of my countless New Years resolutions this year is to connect with old friends I’ve fallen off with for no real reason as well as seek out and find new people to bring into the fold. I feel lucky that somehow my personality changed from DON’T LOOK AT ME (2020 - 2023) to HI LET’S HANG OUT at midnight on December 31st. I’m just gonna go with it because that energy has served me so well in the past.
Ben and I danced a bit and talked at the warehouse party on Saturday. Our whole conversation was about how much I missed him and just how lucky we were to have our friends. My gratitude moment is definitely in overdrive but Ben agreed. We are really lucky.
This is such a relatable journey! 🙌 It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to realize that the people you surround yourself with can profoundly impact your life and values. It's inspiring to see how you've evolved and found friends who value authenticity, creativity, and kindness over superficiality and status. Your advice to reach out and connect with new and old friends is spot on. Life is too short to be surrounded by negative influences. Cheers to your personal growth, meaningful friendships, and the journey ahead! 🥂🌟
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It looks like you found your tribe. And in the process, you found yourself. You continue to amaze, Lorenzo, and I'm so glad your writing reaches out to so many.