I have to buy a car.

It's a reminder that I've taken a step backwards financially.

My first car was a gold Volvo 240 wagon exactly like this one.

My first car was a Volvo 240 station wagon, gold. If I remember correctly, the deal was that my parents bought it but I had to pay for the upkeep. It was pretty old by the time I got it. My first car and I were born the same year, 1982, so by the time I started driving it it was sixteen years old.

If you pay attention, you’ll notice this exact car is maybe the most popular car with production designers for film and TV, as evidenced by the fact that it’s been in countless movies and TV shows. My first memory of this car was in the movie “Beetlejuice,” in which Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin drive it off a bridge. There’s also a Volvo station wagon in “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle,” the sedan version in “Booksmart,” and the same Volvo V70 wagon my parents had in “What Lies Beneath.” Volvos are so ubiquitous in movies that there are numerous websites and Reddits dedicated to spotting them. Believe me, if you pay attention these cars are in everything.

The Volvo I had in high school ended up needing a lot of maintenance because it had so many miles on it by the time I got it. There was a little auto body shop across the parking lot from The Village Store in Yosemite where I would take the car every time it acted up. I don’t know if it’s still there - there used to be a lot more businesses and services that catered to Yosemite locals because driving two hours to do all your errands used to be something people thought was ridiculous. Now everyone who lives up there drives to Costco in Merced or Fresno rather than do their shopping locally. Yosemite used to be a self-sustaining community, with a fully operational medical clinic (including a dental office run by my dad, the town’s local dentist). Now it feels a little less self-contained and a LOT busier year-round than it used to be.

I started working at fourteen and the money I didn’t spend on clothes, I spent on maintaining that car. I LOVED that car. I thought it was so cool. I still think it’s so cool. It had one of those retrofitted CD players and we used to listen to Moby, The Chemical Brothers, Al Green, David Bowie, and a bunch of other 90s music like Bjork on the hour plus drive to school.

The drive to my high school was an incredibly beautiful one, winding down the Merced River Canyon through the park gates, through granite valleys and bright green groves of trees. Every spring, there was a superbloom of poppies that turned the hillsides bright orange. I’m pretty sure it was the prettiest commutes in the world, which was helpful because my high school was far away from where I grew up.

Yosemite Valley was the end of the bus route, which meant that when I started driving I’d pick up friends along the way to school. My best friend lived in El Portal, a small community at Yosemite’s western entrance I like to call “The Brooklyn of Yosemite” because it’s where all the cool, alt people live. Obviously, I grew up in the Manhattan of Yosemite, Yosemite Valley, the seven by ten mile area of the park that sees the most foot traffic because it’s where the majority of the famous vistas are.

I was obsessed with keeping my car clean. I had a friend named Allison who seemingly was ALWAYS eating apple sauce. And she got that apple sauce on the beige interior EVERY TIME. Driving to school is one of my favorite memories of high school, which overall was a challenging experience for me. But as hard as it was, as isolated as I was, I always had brilliant, kind, and empathetic friends with people who I thought were the fucking funniest people on earth. And our time in the car on the way to school was ours, my car a safe space for us to be as nerdy and weird and funny as we were without judgement.

I recently got the chance to collaborate with Volvo and it felt like a really nice full circle moment. I’ve driven a Volvo most of my driving life and it’s a brand I’ve always loved. So finally getting to work with them was a career highlight for me.

But I feel like sometimes life is designed in such a way as to put salt in wounds you didn’t need salted. My lease is up soon and as I started planning on what my next car would be, I found out I couldn’t afford a Volvo anymore. The contrast between me bragging on Instagram about how much I love my car while knowing I couldn’t afford it anymore is peak influencer lifestyle. Oftentimes the social media behind-the-scenes is a lot more complicated than the seemingly effortless life being shown. The reality is often a lot more painful.

Something a lot of people don’t know about Volvos… They’re expensive. They’re also rare, according to their marketing team Volvo makes up only 1% of the US market. So they’re not quite as easy to find used as other cars.

I currently drive a Volvo XC90. I wanted that car for eight years before I was finally able to afford one. And I’ve really loved driving it. For my next car, I’m looking for something a lot less expensive to get me through these next few years until I’m ready (and can afford) to buy an electric car. It feels slightly sad to give up this car I’ve loved driving, but also I’m aware enough to understand it’s just a car. I love a nice car with a pretty interior, but also my identity is not tied to driving a particular kind of car.

It’s still a weird time to look for a car. Cars you might imagine would be affordable (trucks, Toyotas, Subarus) aren’t. And cars you’d think would be expensive (Mercedes, BMWs) are a lot cheaper than you’d imagine. Originally, I was going to get a “cheap truck” to use at Londo Lodge. But it turns out once I added the things I need - all wheel drive (because I drive in snow a lot), a backseat for Satie (because she is too fearful to sit in the front), and low mileage (because there’s no way I’m getting stuck in 115 degree heat with my dog on the Grapevine) - a truck is more expensive than the other options I was looking at. I’m currently looking at a few smaller SUV/crossovers.

I allowed myself to be sad about not being able to afford my car for approximately two minutes. I’ll buy another Volvo one day, but for now I’m just glad I was able to get approved for a car loan - that was looking iffy! For a while it was looking like I was going to have to somehow figure out how to cough up $30,000 and pay cash for a car. Given all the expenses I have left with my kitchen renovation, this wasn’t the best time for me to buy a car. Luckily, I was approved for a car loan, albeit one with a terrible interest rate. The weird thing about the current moment is everything is more expensive but no one is making more money. It’s the same with cars. Apparently the average car costs $48,000 now, a number that has risen by $10,000 in the past five years.

So much of the past three years has been humbling. And often I think to myself, “Man, I’m really full up on humble pie. Like if I get any more humble I’ll just completely hate myself.” But one thing I’m thankful for is that my experience has shown me how much I’ve been taking things for granted. As we progress in our careers and as our financial lives become sturdier and sturdier over time, we don’t always notice ourselves slipping into affluence and taking it for granted. I’m this way with personal accomplishments too. I thought “if I published a book I’d feel so proud of myself.” Then I published a book and I was like “Anyone could do that.” I’m the same with financial stuff. As soon as I hit a financial goal, I’ll think of another one. I guess it’s human nature to be constantly striving but it can get in the way of being able to truly enjoy what you have.

Taking a financial step backwards at age forty hasn’t been a fun experience, but it has allowed me to take stock and be a little more thankful for the lifestyle I’ve built. One thing I’ve always been good at is creating a beautiful life on a budget, something I’m currently practicing.

I spent the last few days looking at cars and trying to hone in on a replacement for my current car, my dream car. I’ve also been looking around my house thinking of things to sell to help with the down payment (yep, things are that real over here). My goal is to put down a bigger down payment to counterbalance some of the extra cost that comes with having to pay a much higher interest rate because of my credit. So, if you’ve ever thought about subscribing to this newsletter and supporting me, today would be a good day to do that. It would also be a great day to check out my shop and buy something if you’re so inclined. Or even to Venmo me if you’d like to commit a random act of kindness that will help me in the future (my Venmo is Orlando-Soria). Kind of a tacky request I know, but another lesson I’ve learned recently is to ask for help. Until you do so you’ll never know if there were people out there who were ready and able to lend a hand.

I think it’s pretty natural to always want to progress forward. To want to move up instead of down. So naturally I’m a bit disappointed I don’t have the same amount of car buying power, the same amount of agency I had three years ago. When I leased my last car, I was heading off to the adventure of moving to my Yosemite cabin full time. Three years later, I’m in the process of cleaning up the financial mess that came from the cyclone storm of my TV show being canceled, Instagram partnerships dying down, and a slew of natural disasters and unexpected house expenses that have made the past three years a challenge.

In general, I’m feeling pretty close to getting past this dip. Construction on my kitchen begins again (budget permitting) September 13th. Once that’s all finished I’ll be able to rent the house out and hopefully get some of the expense off my shoulders. The car has been a big stressor because it’s one of the only things I need credit for and I’m currently in the midst of building my credit back up. I’m scheduled to go in this afternoon to sign paperwork and pick up a car - I’ll feel a lot better once that’s all done and settled because another lesson I've learned over the past three years is don’t count your chickens until they hatch.