A few years ago, my ex noticed Jenna Bush follows me on Instagram. Actually, it was his mother who noticed, since she followed both of us. I’m not a person who spends a lot of time watching who follows and unfollows me online. Sure, I have an idea of the number of followers at any given time, but I don’t really pay attention to whether individuals have followed me or not. I actually have a hard time even looking at the app outside of posting on it. It’s weird that one of my main sources of income is actually something that makes me miserable to look at.
Part of my distaste for Instagram comes from a pretty common place - it’s a space designed to make all of us feel shittier about our lives when contrasted with the perfect lives/bodies/relationships/vacations of millions of insipid influencers. Another part is more personal to me and my career. As a professional content creator, looking at Instagram can have another sharp edge: seeing your friends, colleagues, and peers get sponsorship opportunities that you don’t.
Here’s an example. A friend of mine is an influencer in a similar vein as me, lifestyle and interior design. But he shows his body more and is thinner than I am, so he gets a lot more fashion-oriented sponsorships than I do. It sucks to see that I get passed over for those types of sponsorships and it definitely triggers body dysmorphic thoughts. So just multiply that by all the other content creator/influencers I know (which is a lot) and you have a recipe for comparison depression. Yes, comparison if the thief of joy. But also yes, when you make a living off your life and appearance it’s impossible not to feel the need to research what your peers are up to.
I don’t really have the emotional bandwidth to truly engage with Instagram as a consumer. I get on there, post, and then get off before I see something that makes me feel like a failure. Which is why I never noticed Jenna Bush followed me. Her name is actually Jenna Bush Hager now but for people my age she’ll always be Jenna Bush. So I’m gonna call her that here.
When I found out Jenna followed me, it was a weird feeling. I guess when any famous person follows me it feels exciting. You get that dopamine hit and then some. And I have some pretty high profile followers, mostly because they’re friends of friends or came across me randomly. But the Jenna follow was an interesting one that opened a door into thinking about politics, culture, gay history, and my own life story.
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