Resolve.

Planning for a new year.

My phone got shut off yesterday because I didn’t have the money to pay my bill. It’s actually happened a few times this past year. Usually it was because I was juggling a bunch of different bills, trying to figure out which to pay first to keep my life operational. For anyone whose struggled the past few years, this is a familiar task - deciding which bill to pay and which to put off as long as possible. In the past, I’ve just paid the phone bill and gotten it turned back on. But yesterday I literally didn’t have the money so I let my phone get shut off. What’s annoying about getting your phone shut off is they make you pay a $20 re-activation fee. The economy has been designed, without fail, to shame poor people and push them downward.

When I woke up this morning, I found out my rent check had bounced. And I just didn’t have it in me to care. I’ve spent the last three weeks chasing down invoices that were due in mid-December. I was told those invoices would be in my account last week. I did the work, I did my due diligence getting paid, so I don’t have it in me to care.

With all this going on, you’d be surprised at how blissed out I’m feeling. I haven’t had a drink, or even the desire to have a drink, all week. Luckily, my gym membership is paid so I’ve been able to workout every day. And I highly recommend getting your phone shut off. There is something so freeing about driving around Los Angeles with no phone. No desire to check your texts at a stoplight. No feeling that you’re going to get a robocall (or a collections call) at any moment. No instant responsibility to everyone in your life, all day, all the time, all at once, forever.

Now, before you become a paid subscriber because you feel sorry for me (only become a paid subscriber because you like the content and want to support it), know that part of the reason I’m not all that worried is that I worked a lot at the end of last year and I have money coming - I’m totally fine don’t worry! I think being run through the wash as many times as I have the past three (four?) years, I have finally found at least some of the resilience I’d been seeking.

This brings me to my first New Year’s Resolution…

DGAF

Don’t give a fuck. I have been trying so hard the last few years not to care about stressors like the ones I listed above. And I think I finally just ran out of fucks to to give. Ultimately I can survive a few days without a phone. And my millionaire landlord’s life will not change one bit because my rent check bounced due to no fucking fault of my own. I don’t have people in my life to help me financially, so this is what it is.

To keep this list as applicable as possible to as many people as possible, I have to acknowledge that some of you may be in a space in which is absolutely impossible to calm down. If that’s you, don’t feel guilty about it. I am able to calm down because I know I have money coming. When I saw my account getting low I did what I always do - I filled up my car with gas and bought the basic necessities for me and my dog. This is old hat for me at this point.

I live and work in Hollywood, so a lot of my friends have been struggling over the past year with all the strikes. And a question I’ve found helpful in soothing people in scary situations is this, “Is life, materially and in its most basic sense, different than it was yesterday?” (i.e. do you have food? Do you have a place to live?). For most people struggling, it isn’t. You can use that to calm yourself down. There may be conceptual fears on the horizon, but if you are struggling the best thing you can do is get through today and not let your mind become overwhelmed with negative hypotheticals.

If your life is materially different, something that can be useful is being more open about it. I thank you for reading this newsletter this past year - please know that you hearing me as I’ve chatted about struggles and challenges has nourished me and helped me thought it. Sometimes when you say your needs out loud, people come in to help you meet them. There is no shame in struggling or being in need.

Now onto the next Resolution…

I want to do that thing where you grow your hair out for months and it’s ugly then you get a really cute haircut and it’s like “OH MY GOD.”

Yes, not all these Resolutions are going to be bummers. My hair took kind of a journey the past few years. Pre-pandemic, I had a long-on-top-short-on-sides haircut for years that I really liked. But when I moved to the woods keeping up that tight fade and the time consuming, expensive highlights became undoable, so I sort of fell into a hair hole.

I have dark blond hair with a small speckling of gray in it. I like gray hair but my particular color is very monotone and flat and I don’t have nearly enough white hairs on my head to get that salt and pepper look so I don’t like the way my hair looks uncolored right now. So I’ve been keeping it really short. Which has been a fun look but I’m ready for some length. I want hair that flops (for another one of my Resolutions, see below). So I want to grow it out.

I’ve found in the past that it’s really hard to grow your hair out with the help of a stylist. It’s their job to make you look good, so often they’ll cut off the length you need and it ends up taking forever to grow your hair out. So this year I’m planning on wearing a hat/beanie for three to four months (I have thick hair that grows really fast), then get a 90’s inspired longer cut.

Shameless Plug: If you live in the Sonoma County area, my sister is an incredible stylist and colorist. You can book her on the Daredevils & Queens Salon Website.

I want to expand instead of survive.

The past few years were mostly about setting up a business that I’ve wanted to set up for a long time - a vacation rental near my hometown. I bought the home as a vacation house to share with my family but in order to afford it I knew I’d have to rent it out. My goal would be to stop renting it out eventually because I don’t love the idea of strangers in my home with all the beautiful things I’ve collected over the years (so if you’re thinking of booking, I’d book in the next few years).

Getting that business off the ground took everything I had emotionally, logistically, and financially. By summer, I am hoping that it’s profitable (or at the very least paying for itself). Every cent that I had went into making it a place I could be proud to share with everyone. But it left no room for other projects of personal expansion.

With much of the immediate needs of the house out of the way, I hope to finally be able to build other parts of my life and business. A downside of being open about struggle is that it opens you up to a lot of unsolicited advice. I’ve had so many people come in with suggestions of new business to try. But you cannot expand when you are just trying to survive. You can’t create a new business when the one you’re working is already too much to handle alone and you can’t afford help.

This is a frustrating part of struggle - people can’t always see what you’re doing and will often assume you’re being lazy. You’re the only one who can ascertain whether you’re at bandwidth or not. Over the past few years I’ve gotten so much better at knowing my limits and not signing up for more than I have time for. People will always always always ask for more out of you and it’s your job to set those limits. Trust yourself when you think you’ve hit your limit because no one is going to come in from the outside and validate that yes, there is no possible way you could do more in a day.

I think I want to quit design.

This Resolution I’m not really sure on because I’m known as a designer, but generally I really do not like working with design clients. Last year, I realized I’d been massively undercharging clients, basing my fees on an older model that no longer worked. So I had to change my policies and some clients were not on board. I’ve spent the past year picking up the pieces.

Right now I have one AMAZING client who I love and I am not sure I want to continue after their home is done. Because another client bilked me out of tens of thousands of dollars, my design business has been running in the red for over a year. So in order to keep it afloat, I’ve had to supplement it from the money I make on hosting, content collaborations, and writing. You heard that right, famous TV designer Orlando Soria is PAYING to design houses. I have never been good at the business side of design despite being innately very good at design. It’s just something my brain and body knows how to do easily without thinking that much. But it’s costing me so much time and money.

Because I love my current clients so much (they are literally the easiest, kindest clients I’ve ever had), I want to finish this process and assess whether it makes sense to continue. I think in an ideal world, I’d find a partner who was more able to manage the day-to-day design-wise. While I am a good designer, I have to work with a designer/project manager to keep the project moving because I could get pulled away from managing logistics at any moment. This has worked for the most part but has meant that all the money the client pays goes to the other designer and I am left essentially consulting for free. I oversee and direct the design process but don’t have the bandwidth to manage day to day operations because, for example, I get pulled out for a month to shoot a TV show.

I want to self-produce a series.

As you may know, TV isn’t what it used to be. For the second season of my HGTV show I made about $40,0000. Which ended up being $17,000 once agent fees and taxes were taken out. TV is NOT lucrative unless you are a twin that is also an actor that is also a magician that is also a realtor that is also a contractor. Those people you’re seeing on the Magnolia Network aren’t making money unless they’re on season five or more.

There’s a lag with understanding TV, though. People still think it’s a huge “get.” Of all the things I’ve done in my career, it’s the thing people from my hometown think of as impressive. Even though it’s made me the least money of anything. Money isn’t everything, but being on TV didn’t even raise my profile that much either (my Instagram follower count went up 2000 in my two HGTV seasons, slower growth than previous years).

Knowing all that, I could do the same thing and reach the same number of people online. So I want to do a YouTube or Instagram series. But not the way I’ve been doing that. I want help, I want someone to help me shoot. I’m tired of working alone in a bubble. I want it to be more professional, more fun, more accessible. In order to do this I’ll either need to make enough money elsewhere to invest in it or find a corporate sponsor.

I have a few really fun ideas for digital series, so if you’re a producer, potential sponsor, or potential collaborator (I need a good video/editor person), please email hello@orlandosoria.com.

(Asking for what I need is another resolution).

I’d like to get a book agent and write a memoir.

I’ve wanted to write a memoir for a really long time. But I never have for a few reasons. First, I thought I was too young and nothing interesting had happened to me. Then I realized that, while I am very comfortable writing online, I don’t know where to start when it comes to a longer format book.

My first book, “Get It Together!” is something that I’m really proud of and is still a very fun read with great design takeaways. It also sold enough that I should be able to get a pretty good advance/book deal for the next one. I’ve always used design as a conduit, and in a way a crutch, to talk about the things I really wanted to talk about: life, desire, rejection, loss, joy, and everything in between. I have an idea for a book that is a series of essays, from touching to funny, about growing up in Yosemite. If you’re a book agent and can help me, email hello@orlandosoria.com

I also want to write a screenplay.

I’ve had a REALLY GOOD AND JUICY idea for a TV show for years. It’s loosely based on my own life but with some really fun (and way more dramatic) twists. Think “Unreal” but… Nevermind I’ll say no more because it’s a really good idea and it would show a world that hasn’t really been explored yet. If you’re a producer/screenwriter who wants to collaborate on this with me (I have the story, just no idea how to write a screenplay) email hello@orlandosoria.com. Okay that’s the last request for you to email me LOL.

I want to find new music.

For some reason I’ve really stagnated musically the past few years. I’ve always loved music and have been good at finding new stuff since I was a teenager. But something about getting older, the pandemic, isolation, and a general feeling that I’m sick of autotune has turned me off most new music. But I’m determined to expand my musical horizons this year, both by researching new songs on Spotify and Soundcloud and by going to as many concerts as I can. I have started a playlist called A Song A Day on Spotify. The goal is to discover one new song every day. And so far I’ve had good luck finding some good music. I like everything from 60s folk music to weird alt dance pop. You can follow along with this playlist here.

I want to dance shirtless and flop my hair around.

2019 was maybe the best year of my life. After being body dsymorphic my entire life, I was in the best shape of my life and, for once, had both the time and money to travel at the same time. And bitch, I DANCED. I love going out and having fun, expressing joy. But I haven’t done that in five years.

I got really busy filming my show starting 2019. Then, you know, the world stopped and the subsequent years featured no joy, just work and sorrow. For the first few years of the pandemic, I retreated. And I really didn’t have a desire to go out. I felt, more often than not, a desire to hide, a fear of being seen. That coupled with the fact that my literal job was to be seen was a lot to handle emotionally. I felt so ashamed of my body and my looks and how much of a failure I felt.

I am still in healing from that shame, and very much feeling it. But that spark in my brain, that little part of me that wants to dance and be with people, is back and I am so thankful. I want to go to big gay party, flop my new hair all over, listen to loud music and just be an idiot. The weight of the last few years has been so much for all of us. We all deserve to just be idiots sometimes because the act of thinking and seeing the world as it is the past few years has been painful in so many ways. To be aware and cognizant has been… unpleasant. And as this year is bound to be a heavy year filled with wars, political gas lighting, and a creeping sense that the world is ending, we should all do our best to find ways to physically express joy (and to sometimes shut our brains off). Dancing, sex, food, exercise, time with friends and family should be seen as more than a distraction. They should be seen as the real parts of life. Politics and money are made up. Humanity and connection aren’t.

I want to write more and be better here.

To any of you who supported me by paying to subscribe here, and to those that can’t afford to pay but supported me by helping me with my unpaid subscriber list, THANK YOU. I know I haven’t been as consistent as I should have been and it’s mostly been because I was struggling to keep up with an overwhelming amount of physical labor at my cabin. My goal is to write as much as I can here, to increase the breadth of quality, and to expand to things like audio versions of these essays and interviews with people I find interesting.

What’s on your agenda this year? Sound off in the comments. To those of you who are in a stable enough space to contemplate Resolutions, may you thrive in striving for them. And for those of you who may only be able to get through each day surviving, you are not alone.

I’m Gay! Goodbye!