"See You Around, Handsome."

That phrase doesn't mean what you think it means.

Photo by David Zimmerman

Do you remember Kellen? (That’s not his real name by the way, don’t worry!). That guy from New York I had a crush on who blew my mind by telling me he wanted to live in Times Square? Well, I never really told you what happened with him. Basically, it ended in a disappointing way that took me a while to heal from, so I kept it tucked away until I felt ready to talk about it.

The whole thing started the way many an online flirtation starts. We matched on Raya, the highly selective app for wannabe celebrities and people with hot bodies that just want sugar daddies. And we chatted and flirted for months. It started with sexy texting and moved on to deeper discussions about life, goals, family, career, and how hard it can be to find genuine connection when you’re surrounded by ambitious, status-oriented, hyper privileged people. Over time, the connection started to feel like a real friendship.

There’s a certain art to interacting with people on dating apps. You kind of have to be yourself but also be just aloof enough to not scare people. I tend to ask too many questions, be too interested in the specificities of other peoples’ lives, and to put all my cards on the table. That’s not everyone’s cup of tea, so when I meet someone who seems to be picking up what I’m putting down (sincerity, no bullshit), I get really excited about them. Add to that, there was a definite physical attraction there, at least on my part, based on the photos and videos he sent me.

But Kellen took this Raya flirtation one step further. Once we switched from texting in the app to texting directly, he started FaceTiming me randomly, without warning. That felt like a bold move - there’s something really intimate about just jumping directly into someone’s personal space, catching them off guard wherever they are. And I’d answer, because I liked him. I liked him a lot. I was more excited about him than I’d been about a guy in years. And chatting with him made me feel like that part of me that is capable of loving and trusting someone enough to let them in might not be totally obliterated.