Thank Dog.
A little light blip amongst a month of unbridled chaos.
I think I need to wait a minute to write about what’s going on in my life right now. For one, I am in a very chaotic, overwhelming time where I wake up early and do physical and mental work all day, normally 5 AM to 9 PM before falling asleep on the sofa. Two, I am actually too frantically engaged with what I’m doing to actually know what’s going on. Long story short, I’m giving up my LA rental and moving to Londo Lodge to save it from a potential foreclosure (don’t worry, I’ll save it, just don’t know how yet). I’m also under some crushing deadlines professionally and I'm trying to sell everything in my LA house before the holidays before I move (so I don’t have to pay to move things I don’t need). All of that and much, much more has kept me psychotically busy, overwhelmed, exhausted, and in a very raw state (which is kind of why I think I need to wait to write more about it or I this will turn into a full emotional dump you didn’t ask for).
So many beautiful moments have come from this chaotic, challenging time. And one came just last night. I was frantically cleaning my kitchen at 9 PM, in my underwear (again, I’ll explain all this later but all of this actually had to happen for me to do the work I need to do to survive). I looked around and saw price tags on all the things in my kitchen - I’ve transformed my home into a store in order to offload things I don’t need so I don’t need to move them (another element of my current state is I repeat myself a lot, which again is why I need to wait to explain this situation in a more articulate way). I’d been crying for days, just plump tears falling down a stone cold face, a subtle cry. But seeing my life for sale, all the things I’d spent years putting together, curating, and arranging - it was just a lot. Everything feels like a lot right now.
I was wiping down the side of a kitchen cabinet. The level of exhaustion and grief I felt overwhelmed me. I began gutturally sobbing and fell to my knees. I’m not sure and I will likely have to just process this later because I don’t have time right now, but I think I either had a very severe days-long panic attack or a mental breakdown, whatever that is. Yet I continued working because I had to.
Saturday, my little beige staffy, came clickity clacking into the kitchen, her little blonde eyes staring up at me in bewilderment and fear. Satie and I have a very specific relationship - I dote and love on her and she pretends she doesn’t care. She’s very spoiled and I’m proud of that - she very much takes my love for granted and that makes me feel like I’m doing my job. So it’s rare she comes to me to ask for affection (though she has a lot lately because I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to care for her like I typically can). So I thought she was doing what she is normally doing when she comes to me. It’s normally “I want a treat” or “I have to potty.” So I tried giving her a treat. She didn’t want one. I took her outside and told her to go potty. She didn’t need to.
I made sure she had food and water and gave her a few pets, normally that gets her to go lay down again. But she kept coming back to me and giving me that stare. Anyone who knows pit bulls and dogs in general knows that stare. That impossible to deny stare. That open, emotional, vulnerable, asking glare. This is going to sound stupid to anyone who’s not a dog person, but she was talking to me. She was saying, “Daddy, I need you to stop. I need you come sit down. You are scaring me. You have to rest so you can take care of me.”
I got on the floor and gave her the kind of hug I give her when I know she needs emotional reassurance. Basically, I get down on all fours so I shelter her like a little doghouse and wrap my arms around her belly. Normally, she’ll do a piggy snort when I do this. Piggy snort means happy. But she made her grief groan when I did this, the groan she makes when she’s feeling sad or neglected or lonely.
Her doing this made me stop. I knew if I kept going I would keep scaring her and making her worried. She tends to have a negative reaction to me acting frantic, which happens often when I’m leaving my cabin and trying to remember everything I need. And that has been happening a lot the past few months as I’ve been dealing with a bunch of very involved logistical, physical, conceptual, mental work.
Sometimes being needed is all you need. I knew my dog was upset because I was upset. I knew my dog was trilling because I was trilling. So I stopped. I sat on the floor, petting, hugging, and crying tears of gratitude for her, this little being that gives me so, so much joy and unconditional love. I laid on the sofa and Satie came over and did something she’s never done before. She sat with her back pushing into me, facing the door, as if to guard me from anything or anyone that could come in. She stayed like that for a while, until I flipped on the TV, turned on “Reba” (I’m watching that on Netflix, it’s absolutely bonkers and wonderful). I began to calm down.
The roles kind of flipped in that moment. My dog was parenting me. And I really needed it. Feeling needed and loved is so vital, especially in times of chaos on overwhelm. Thank dog.
*Please excuse any logical or grammatical errors. I didn’t really have time to edit this.
I teared up and these feelings led me to subscribe ( not your intention but good nonetheless)
You will get thru this and rejoice in being surrounded by nature in the New Year, I hope.
I am in a different but similar time. My sweetheart had his legs fail and needed to be in an assisted living home. So, I am faced with selling our lives to pay for it. Insurmountable yet must be done. And, my support? A crazy and wacko young Aussie pup. Who has accepted hours in a car (which he HATES) instead of hours of chasing balls. And, when I pass out in the chair, he very slowly climbs onto my lap, resting his head in my hand. Amen to dogs. We’ll make it through this.