Ok, hear me out. This may be a bit out of the box but, what the hell...
You have so many readers and followers who have GENUINE AFFECTION for you, because of your talent, of course, but also because of your honesty and willingness to be real and vulnerable. I'm sure lots of them read this post and wished they could help! I think you should start a kitchen renovation Kickstarter!
I'm willing to bet you could at least raise the funds for the cabinets, if not more. You could host a one time event, (after ironing out any security concerns), at the house for those who contributed, or maybe offer a small, one-time discount to participants who want to rent the space, (10% off? One free night when you book a week?). I think EH had a similar type of event for her blog readers at her mountain house.
We all feel like we are part of your life already, (and Satie's!) watching every little improvement you make and learning from you. Why not give your followers the chance to participate?
Oh, Orlando. You are speaking the language of so many of us in this moment, and I'm so grateful for your candor and vulnerability. If there is an enduring truth about the impacts of the pandemic, I believe it's made us lonelier, more isolated, and more uncertain about how our lives intersect with others around us. Your voice today has made me feel less alone.
I've realized over and over again in recent weeks just how universally traumatic the pandemic was, and how little we've been able to do to address that trauma. Those of us in marginalized communities in the US are also watching our rights be stripped away, our loved ones be legislated out of public life, our children threatened (note that in this context, "marginalized" basically means "everyone who is not a wealthy cisgender heterosexual White Christian Republican man"). All of us are bearing witness to the increasingly dangerous and chaotic impacts of climate change all around us, reaching our lives and homes. All of us are making decisions on a wing and a prayer, based on a future that has never felt more unknowable, more uncertain. It has been SO HARD. And somehow we're being convinced that the struggles we're having now are divorced from the last three years, and that we are failing if we are not rising and grinding or killing it or whatever. It's bullshit. We all need to go easier on ourselves, and embrace the reality that we are all healing while continuing to struggle through such profound instability.
And within that nearly unbearable context, you have been so, so brave. You have consistently made choices that were about your own joy, immediate or future. You have put the needs of others ahead of your own. You have done right by your family, by your perfect dog, by yourself (even when it doesn't feel like it). You have gone through the hard fucking work of living, every day, and you continue to strive to make the world a more beautiful place for the people around you, not just yourself. You've pivoted, you've learned from your mistakes, you've grown and changed and endured. That's all worth celebrating, no matter what.
And now you're finding your way through the darkness, with continued optimism for the light to come. Which is amazing.
I have so much faith in your ability to make the choices that will serve you best. I have no particular advice to offer, mostly because I think your decisions will have to be determined by your own personal tolerance levels for risk, insecurity, uncertainty, and so forth. But I do really trust you to do what is best for you. AND I know, confidently, that the light is just around the corner for you. You have a very large group of digital friends cheering you on.
This post was incredibly relatable. I have a 9-5 job with a good salary, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I live paycheck to paycheck and am constantly making mental calculations based on how much money I have in my bank account. So two (ok, three) things: (1) You are overthinking it. What is money, after all? It’s a very theoretical concept. Take out a personal loan from a bank (or open up a new credit card with an introductory 18-24 month 0% APR period- Wells Fargo and Chase have good options), finish your kitchen, and watch the income start rolling in. Having permission (in my case, from a financial advisor) to take money a little less seriously actually opened up income streams I hadn’t seen before. I know it’s counterintuitive. Just think- What Would Elon Do in this situation? (I mean, not really, he is the worst. But the idea remains.) And (2) Be kind to yourself. Many of us dream of following a freelance/creative path but are stuck in 9-5 jobs. You are Doing The Thing!! It’s hard, it’s messy, it’s inspiring. You’re very brave for sharing your journey. And finally (3) speaking of journeys, you’re a great writer. Have you thought about getting a book agent and pitching a memoir? I’d read it.
Write a collection of essays called “Over the Influence” and speak to your experience trying to move on from that type of work! A peek behind the curtain of an industry everyone and their mama thinks they want to be in. You’ve got that wonderful Icarus experience those of us still on the cliff would love to vicariously read about.
He’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover” book is worth a read if one is desperate. It helped us re-examine expenses that seemed unthinkably necessary under one set of priorities. Once those priorities changed to getting out of debt, everything felt flipped upside down (in a good way) and I no longer felt helplessly stuck, because my wheels were spinning toward a new goal that was invigorating. We’re in our dream house (which is admittedly very un-renovated, but it’ll get there some day!) because of that book. I don’t want to nitpick your lifestyle, because I would die if someone did that to me, but there are expenditures disclosed even in a few posts here that might seem more skippable if you wanted to pursue your financial goals with the kind of crazy intensity Ramsey outlines. Owning California real estate is a lofty goal, and it’s one someone as gifted as you certainly has a right to aspire to/attempt, but that also means having to attack it with all the more ingenuity.
I think you have rightly honed in on your writing ability as a strength equal to your design eye. Pitch ideas for small articles EVERYWHERE and see what sticks. Your writerly voice is elite, and your expertise is a topic that so, so many people can get interested in. I appreciate the topics you weigh with such depth, compared to what treatment they typically seem to get: the relationship of design, art, and joyful consumption to environmental consciousness, the fantasy of renovation tempered with real-life financial constraints… these are topics almost anyone our age can relate to. Idk, just some thoughts from a stranger. I will pray for your peace, health, and creativity.
I have seen anti anxiety meds completely change the lives of people I love. I hope that you can give yourself permission to take whatever measures are necessary to give yourself relief.
Practically, I think roommate and get the kitchen done are the two things that really stick out to me. I know it’s good to diversify- but I think maybe less things, more focus - could actually help here. You have too many plates spinning (I understand the ‘why’). If you do need to bring money in- I would do something unrelated to design that doesn’t need you to GENERATE the idea/product.
So my dream would be crowdfund the kitchen. Move back there to oversee and focus- sublease/roommate bungalow - find a part time whatever job out in Londoland to get you around people and out of your head- and take anti anxiety meds.
But also! Damn. I would be buckling so so hard under this pressure and I’m feeling for you.
My first reaction to all of this is to simply send love and want to just give you a big hug! Your vulnerability is touching and relatable.
My second reaction is to want to help. I wish I had some sort of influence to lighten the load in any sort of way. I’m keeping my thinking cap on in this department.
What would I do if I was in your situation? Well, after being frustrated, and super mad about all of the things what might be the most helpful is to completely reframe the needs I was binding myself to.
Honestly, the first thing I thought of was the whole TV over the fireplace situation. I am one of the people who said it was impossible to do it any other way in my space. But guess what? You challenged me and I thought outside the box and I ignored some of the restraints that I thought I had. I let go of a few of the things that I thought were absolute necessities, and suddenly a new picture emerged. (I literally moved my TV off my fireplace this week!)
So maybe start what-iffing totally wild things… like What if you don’t need a kitchen to rent it out? What if a 9-5 wouldn’t be a career death sentence? That sort of thing… maybe reframing and questioning the necessities and needs will help a new picture emerge!
So many good ideas in the comments here, love the kickstarter idea. I'm going to share some of my learned truths since I'm old and have been where you are a couple times.
1. My best idea for you would be to make an online video class on creating DIY artwork for your home, where people would actually have something useful in the end. If you want to brainstorm on this, hit me up. (In one of my many 9-5 jobs I put together DIY home decor painting kits.) It will take you a while to get your content together but don't overthink it. Put this class up on your social media and offer it at $60/class with special intro offer of only $27. It will create another income stream and you could put it together within 10 days!
2. Life is really effing tough, and if you are working in design, you are in a world of wealth and being compared to successful designers who were born into wealth and will never talk about it, but they bought their first house with family money, they can get credit, they get bailed out of their mistakes by their trust funds. If you weren't born into wealth, you will be working much, much, much harder. You know this already but it feels like sometimes you forget and make decisions hoping things will just work out. Well when they don't, it's a lot tougher on us middle class people. At least you have some fame! Use it shamelessly.
3. In my life experience, I've had to do some things that felt shameful e.g. taking a retail job after having had director level corporate jobs at retailers. I did this just to get out of my own head, to be around people, to have to get up and dressed and act professional. My friends were shocked but guess what!?! None of those friends were paying my bills, so they could think what they want to but I had no time for that. This is a VERY important truth for creatives. Life will burn the shame right out of you and good riddance to that useless emotion. After 3 months of retail I was able to land a really amazing job that took my design work to the next level. I needed that part time retail job to get my head back in the game.
4. You know you have to get that kitchen finished as soon as the snow melts - get that kickstarter up by the end of the week!
You asked what would I do: I would get a job. A 9-5 is not a death sentence. It can be at a design firm, doing what you love, and it doesn't have to be forever. What if you gave yourself a 24 month period of building up your resources? A job, a roommate, anything to help make things a bit easier.
I think I'd make getting the Londo kitchen done my #1 priority, were I in your shoes. Otherwise you're looking at another year of unrelenting stress--and not just financial stress--with no end in sight. Simply getting the darn kitchen off your to-do list will surely boost your mental health, which is the foundation of everything else. On another front, since by now you've been to the doctor and hopefully already have a diagnosis, and since my own lens is dog-centric, I'm wondering if you and Satie have ringworm!
1) Do you have 15-20% equity yet? You might given when you bought and the market now. If yes, and I know interest rates aren't ideal, look into a HELOC, get that kitchen done, rent that house OUT.
2) Read your lease and ask your landlord about subletting the LA apartment while you work on Londo Lodge. You've furnished it beautifully so should be able to rent at a nice furnished price. Look into renting to travel nurses, they're never home, generally clean and responsible, and their travel nursing companies provide generous stipends for housing.
3) Figure out what it would cost to do each "piece" of the kitchen and set up a Kickstarter or other mechanism to legally accept funds to SEE THAT KITCHEN. Your fans want to see it done, done right, and done soon. So let your audiences help pay for the content they want to see. It's not gross, it's win-win.
4) Start offering 20 minutes for $100 FaceTime design calls. I mean I have no money but this sounds super fun and like a better use of money than more DoorDash you know? Would love to hear you yell at my living room and tell me I'm not allowed to have my piano. Make $2400/day, do this 5-6 days a month. ??? PROFIT!
5) Look into getting a part-time full remote easy-peasy job WITH BENEFITS. Or a full-time gig you can secretly crank out in 15-20 hours a week. Even if it won't cover all expenses line up something low-stakes, steady income, health insurance that lets you breathe. Quit when you have income more dialed in.
6) Try the anxiety medication. If you hate it, stop taking it. But see what you think before you say no.
I think your answer is somewhere in your post. I think you have a good sense of what you need to do. You just need to see it. Weigh the pros and cons of your options…facts only. In other words, once you see the pros and cons, make sure you remove emotional components and make your choice. You got this! I have complete faith in you or I would not have subscribed. Your writings always trigger thoughts in me that pertain to my own life even though we are so different. I have admired you since I first saw your TV Show…😘
This is all so relatable. Trying to find a 9-5 job is easier said than done and it doesn't seem like the right advice for you. It's like dating; interviews followed by ghosting. I've been a freelance graphic designer for nearly fifteen years, but ten years ago I was struggling so I started looking for a 9-5 job to try to "save" myself. I interviewed for a creative role at a company in NYC. At the beginning, during some smalltalk, I mentioned Airbnb and Banksy (who was actually there at the time leaving his mark all over the city) and the woman, who would have been my boss, had no idea who or what I was talking about. At the end of the interview, I vowed to never go back to an office job. I'll gladly take the ups and downs of my freelance work life vs working for a creative leader so out of touch. It can be so stifling working for someone else and you certainly have the creativity and drive to continue on your own without the illusion that a 9-5 is the security net you need. Essentially you'd be stealing time from your business to help with someone else's business and you'd never finish your kitchen because you'd be spending the next two years trying to accrue enough vacation days to even be able to leave LA to go to Londo Lodge!
I know of so many creatives who have created six figure "passive" incomes by creating online video courses/workshops. Clearly there's a need for a course to teach men how to ask questions on a date!
Health insurance is the worst! Acupuncture is wonderful for anxiety and helping with the terrible things that stress does to your body. It can yield noticeable results without having to pop a pill. Unfortunately it's usually never covered by insurance.
Ok, hear me out. This may be a bit out of the box but, what the hell...
You have so many readers and followers who have GENUINE AFFECTION for you, because of your talent, of course, but also because of your honesty and willingness to be real and vulnerable. I'm sure lots of them read this post and wished they could help! I think you should start a kitchen renovation Kickstarter!
I'm willing to bet you could at least raise the funds for the cabinets, if not more. You could host a one time event, (after ironing out any security concerns), at the house for those who contributed, or maybe offer a small, one-time discount to participants who want to rent the space, (10% off? One free night when you book a week?). I think EH had a similar type of event for her blog readers at her mountain house.
We all feel like we are part of your life already, (and Satie's!) watching every little improvement you make and learning from you. Why not give your followers the chance to participate?
Oh, Orlando. You are speaking the language of so many of us in this moment, and I'm so grateful for your candor and vulnerability. If there is an enduring truth about the impacts of the pandemic, I believe it's made us lonelier, more isolated, and more uncertain about how our lives intersect with others around us. Your voice today has made me feel less alone.
I've realized over and over again in recent weeks just how universally traumatic the pandemic was, and how little we've been able to do to address that trauma. Those of us in marginalized communities in the US are also watching our rights be stripped away, our loved ones be legislated out of public life, our children threatened (note that in this context, "marginalized" basically means "everyone who is not a wealthy cisgender heterosexual White Christian Republican man"). All of us are bearing witness to the increasingly dangerous and chaotic impacts of climate change all around us, reaching our lives and homes. All of us are making decisions on a wing and a prayer, based on a future that has never felt more unknowable, more uncertain. It has been SO HARD. And somehow we're being convinced that the struggles we're having now are divorced from the last three years, and that we are failing if we are not rising and grinding or killing it or whatever. It's bullshit. We all need to go easier on ourselves, and embrace the reality that we are all healing while continuing to struggle through such profound instability.
And within that nearly unbearable context, you have been so, so brave. You have consistently made choices that were about your own joy, immediate or future. You have put the needs of others ahead of your own. You have done right by your family, by your perfect dog, by yourself (even when it doesn't feel like it). You have gone through the hard fucking work of living, every day, and you continue to strive to make the world a more beautiful place for the people around you, not just yourself. You've pivoted, you've learned from your mistakes, you've grown and changed and endured. That's all worth celebrating, no matter what.
And now you're finding your way through the darkness, with continued optimism for the light to come. Which is amazing.
I have so much faith in your ability to make the choices that will serve you best. I have no particular advice to offer, mostly because I think your decisions will have to be determined by your own personal tolerance levels for risk, insecurity, uncertainty, and so forth. But I do really trust you to do what is best for you. AND I know, confidently, that the light is just around the corner for you. You have a very large group of digital friends cheering you on.
This post was incredibly relatable. I have a 9-5 job with a good salary, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I live paycheck to paycheck and am constantly making mental calculations based on how much money I have in my bank account. So two (ok, three) things: (1) You are overthinking it. What is money, after all? It’s a very theoretical concept. Take out a personal loan from a bank (or open up a new credit card with an introductory 18-24 month 0% APR period- Wells Fargo and Chase have good options), finish your kitchen, and watch the income start rolling in. Having permission (in my case, from a financial advisor) to take money a little less seriously actually opened up income streams I hadn’t seen before. I know it’s counterintuitive. Just think- What Would Elon Do in this situation? (I mean, not really, he is the worst. But the idea remains.) And (2) Be kind to yourself. Many of us dream of following a freelance/creative path but are stuck in 9-5 jobs. You are Doing The Thing!! It’s hard, it’s messy, it’s inspiring. You’re very brave for sharing your journey. And finally (3) speaking of journeys, you’re a great writer. Have you thought about getting a book agent and pitching a memoir? I’d read it.
Write a collection of essays called “Over the Influence” and speak to your experience trying to move on from that type of work! A peek behind the curtain of an industry everyone and their mama thinks they want to be in. You’ve got that wonderful Icarus experience those of us still on the cliff would love to vicariously read about.
Not sure if the “what would you do?” Was rhetorical but here goes. I think I would do two things:
-Put all my time and money into getting the Londo Lodge kitchen to a place where I could do the appliance sponsor posts and rent it out
-Look into getting a roommate in LA
Hang in there Orlando!
He’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover” book is worth a read if one is desperate. It helped us re-examine expenses that seemed unthinkably necessary under one set of priorities. Once those priorities changed to getting out of debt, everything felt flipped upside down (in a good way) and I no longer felt helplessly stuck, because my wheels were spinning toward a new goal that was invigorating. We’re in our dream house (which is admittedly very un-renovated, but it’ll get there some day!) because of that book. I don’t want to nitpick your lifestyle, because I would die if someone did that to me, but there are expenditures disclosed even in a few posts here that might seem more skippable if you wanted to pursue your financial goals with the kind of crazy intensity Ramsey outlines. Owning California real estate is a lofty goal, and it’s one someone as gifted as you certainly has a right to aspire to/attempt, but that also means having to attack it with all the more ingenuity.
I think you have rightly honed in on your writing ability as a strength equal to your design eye. Pitch ideas for small articles EVERYWHERE and see what sticks. Your writerly voice is elite, and your expertise is a topic that so, so many people can get interested in. I appreciate the topics you weigh with such depth, compared to what treatment they typically seem to get: the relationship of design, art, and joyful consumption to environmental consciousness, the fantasy of renovation tempered with real-life financial constraints… these are topics almost anyone our age can relate to. Idk, just some thoughts from a stranger. I will pray for your peace, health, and creativity.
I have seen anti anxiety meds completely change the lives of people I love. I hope that you can give yourself permission to take whatever measures are necessary to give yourself relief.
Practically, I think roommate and get the kitchen done are the two things that really stick out to me. I know it’s good to diversify- but I think maybe less things, more focus - could actually help here. You have too many plates spinning (I understand the ‘why’). If you do need to bring money in- I would do something unrelated to design that doesn’t need you to GENERATE the idea/product.
So my dream would be crowdfund the kitchen. Move back there to oversee and focus- sublease/roommate bungalow - find a part time whatever job out in Londoland to get you around people and out of your head- and take anti anxiety meds.
But also! Damn. I would be buckling so so hard under this pressure and I’m feeling for you.
My first reaction to all of this is to simply send love and want to just give you a big hug! Your vulnerability is touching and relatable.
My second reaction is to want to help. I wish I had some sort of influence to lighten the load in any sort of way. I’m keeping my thinking cap on in this department.
What would I do if I was in your situation? Well, after being frustrated, and super mad about all of the things what might be the most helpful is to completely reframe the needs I was binding myself to.
Honestly, the first thing I thought of was the whole TV over the fireplace situation. I am one of the people who said it was impossible to do it any other way in my space. But guess what? You challenged me and I thought outside the box and I ignored some of the restraints that I thought I had. I let go of a few of the things that I thought were absolute necessities, and suddenly a new picture emerged. (I literally moved my TV off my fireplace this week!)
So maybe start what-iffing totally wild things… like What if you don’t need a kitchen to rent it out? What if a 9-5 wouldn’t be a career death sentence? That sort of thing… maybe reframing and questioning the necessities and needs will help a new picture emerge!
Sending love and wishing the best!
So many good ideas in the comments here, love the kickstarter idea. I'm going to share some of my learned truths since I'm old and have been where you are a couple times.
1. My best idea for you would be to make an online video class on creating DIY artwork for your home, where people would actually have something useful in the end. If you want to brainstorm on this, hit me up. (In one of my many 9-5 jobs I put together DIY home decor painting kits.) It will take you a while to get your content together but don't overthink it. Put this class up on your social media and offer it at $60/class with special intro offer of only $27. It will create another income stream and you could put it together within 10 days!
2. Life is really effing tough, and if you are working in design, you are in a world of wealth and being compared to successful designers who were born into wealth and will never talk about it, but they bought their first house with family money, they can get credit, they get bailed out of their mistakes by their trust funds. If you weren't born into wealth, you will be working much, much, much harder. You know this already but it feels like sometimes you forget and make decisions hoping things will just work out. Well when they don't, it's a lot tougher on us middle class people. At least you have some fame! Use it shamelessly.
3. In my life experience, I've had to do some things that felt shameful e.g. taking a retail job after having had director level corporate jobs at retailers. I did this just to get out of my own head, to be around people, to have to get up and dressed and act professional. My friends were shocked but guess what!?! None of those friends were paying my bills, so they could think what they want to but I had no time for that. This is a VERY important truth for creatives. Life will burn the shame right out of you and good riddance to that useless emotion. After 3 months of retail I was able to land a really amazing job that took my design work to the next level. I needed that part time retail job to get my head back in the game.
4. You know you have to get that kitchen finished as soon as the snow melts - get that kickstarter up by the end of the week!
5. You got this!
You asked what would I do: I would get a job. A 9-5 is not a death sentence. It can be at a design firm, doing what you love, and it doesn't have to be forever. What if you gave yourself a 24 month period of building up your resources? A job, a roommate, anything to help make things a bit easier.
I think I'd make getting the Londo kitchen done my #1 priority, were I in your shoes. Otherwise you're looking at another year of unrelenting stress--and not just financial stress--with no end in sight. Simply getting the darn kitchen off your to-do list will surely boost your mental health, which is the foundation of everything else. On another front, since by now you've been to the doctor and hopefully already have a diagnosis, and since my own lens is dog-centric, I'm wondering if you and Satie have ringworm!
IDEAS!
1) Do you have 15-20% equity yet? You might given when you bought and the market now. If yes, and I know interest rates aren't ideal, look into a HELOC, get that kitchen done, rent that house OUT.
2) Read your lease and ask your landlord about subletting the LA apartment while you work on Londo Lodge. You've furnished it beautifully so should be able to rent at a nice furnished price. Look into renting to travel nurses, they're never home, generally clean and responsible, and their travel nursing companies provide generous stipends for housing.
3) Figure out what it would cost to do each "piece" of the kitchen and set up a Kickstarter or other mechanism to legally accept funds to SEE THAT KITCHEN. Your fans want to see it done, done right, and done soon. So let your audiences help pay for the content they want to see. It's not gross, it's win-win.
4) Start offering 20 minutes for $100 FaceTime design calls. I mean I have no money but this sounds super fun and like a better use of money than more DoorDash you know? Would love to hear you yell at my living room and tell me I'm not allowed to have my piano. Make $2400/day, do this 5-6 days a month. ??? PROFIT!
5) Look into getting a part-time full remote easy-peasy job WITH BENEFITS. Or a full-time gig you can secretly crank out in 15-20 hours a week. Even if it won't cover all expenses line up something low-stakes, steady income, health insurance that lets you breathe. Quit when you have income more dialed in.
6) Try the anxiety medication. If you hate it, stop taking it. But see what you think before you say no.
You've got this!
Just spitballing but Kickstarter that kitchen and let me pay you now for some rental nights I’ll use in 2025.
thank you so much for this raw, refreshing, and relatable af post. I’m so proud of you always and believe the light is very near.
I think your answer is somewhere in your post. I think you have a good sense of what you need to do. You just need to see it. Weigh the pros and cons of your options…facts only. In other words, once you see the pros and cons, make sure you remove emotional components and make your choice. You got this! I have complete faith in you or I would not have subscribed. Your writings always trigger thoughts in me that pertain to my own life even though we are so different. I have admired you since I first saw your TV Show…😘
This is all so relatable. Trying to find a 9-5 job is easier said than done and it doesn't seem like the right advice for you. It's like dating; interviews followed by ghosting. I've been a freelance graphic designer for nearly fifteen years, but ten years ago I was struggling so I started looking for a 9-5 job to try to "save" myself. I interviewed for a creative role at a company in NYC. At the beginning, during some smalltalk, I mentioned Airbnb and Banksy (who was actually there at the time leaving his mark all over the city) and the woman, who would have been my boss, had no idea who or what I was talking about. At the end of the interview, I vowed to never go back to an office job. I'll gladly take the ups and downs of my freelance work life vs working for a creative leader so out of touch. It can be so stifling working for someone else and you certainly have the creativity and drive to continue on your own without the illusion that a 9-5 is the security net you need. Essentially you'd be stealing time from your business to help with someone else's business and you'd never finish your kitchen because you'd be spending the next two years trying to accrue enough vacation days to even be able to leave LA to go to Londo Lodge!
I know of so many creatives who have created six figure "passive" incomes by creating online video courses/workshops. Clearly there's a need for a course to teach men how to ask questions on a date!
Health insurance is the worst! Acupuncture is wonderful for anxiety and helping with the terrible things that stress does to your body. It can yield noticeable results without having to pop a pill. Unfortunately it's usually never covered by insurance.