What If The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Had Men In It?

I thought about it, laughed, and then realized everything is stupid.

Somehow, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue made it into my Instagram feed this week. A semi-awkward photo of Gayle King, looking great in a one-piece, alerted me that she was a cover model in this year’s Swimsuit Issue. The photo isn’t awkward because of Gayle King, her body, or the swimsuit. It’s awkward because the photographer caught her in an awkward posture, almost as if she was walking to the pool and at the last minute she noticed there was a photographer there taking a picture of her without her consent and she’s just trying to be nice by not putting a hand up and being like “Get away from me! Security!”

Gayle King looks beautiful in all the images in her Swimsuit Issue Gallery, so I’m not sure why they chose one where she looks so caught off guard to be her cover image. I want to make clear here that I am not judging King in any way. I’ve done a lot of photo shoots where I am the subject and I know how they work: the photographer takes a ton of pictures of you and you look terrible in most of them, okay in some, and great in a few. Usually the photographers I work with give me a first pass at the photos so I can weed out any I don’t like before they move on to editing them. I guess I just don’t know why the Sports Illustrated editors chose the pic they chose for the cover because there are so many better ones in her full gallery.

Martha Stewart “made history” last year by being the oldest person to pose in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. I put that in quotes because something felt weird about the reaction to those photos. There was so much hoopla about her being both OLD and IN A SWIMSUIT (GASP!). Yes, it has been cool to see Sports Illustrated embrace different types of bodies (fat, transgender, older, etc.) in their Swimsuit Issue, but something about calling it “making history” when an incredible icon, author, entrepreneur, and business mogul puts on a swimsuit felt stupid. In many ways, Martha reflects the exact type of standards of beauty that have made women who don’t meet it feel ostracized: thin, white, and “maintained” in a way only lots and lots of money can facilitate. So yes, it was cool to see an older woman be seen in a way that celebrated her body. But also yes, not every 81 year old woman has the resources and wherewithal to look like that (I think she looked great, by the way).

In looking at the images of Gayle King, who again, I think looks stunning, something about the expression in her eyes said to me, “Hello? I’m in a swimsuit?” There is something quizzical about her gaze in almost every photo, as if to ask the viewer, “What exactly am I doing here?” In looking at the photos I couldn’t help but think, this is Gayle Fucking King. Like she’s an incredibly accomplished woman, journalist, author, TV personality, editor, and so on. She has nothing to prove, least of all that she can look great in a swimsuit. And thinking about how and why she did the shoot got me thinking about what it would be like if similarly accomplished celebrity men did the same kind of photo shoot. Which made me immediately burst out laughing.

Can you imagine, Harrison Ford, in a form-fitting Speedo, doing that same “Hey! I’m in a swimsuit!” pose?

Or Kevin Costner, in a clingy square-cut boxer swim brief, emerging wet from the pool, smiling ear to ear?

Or Michael Douglas, in a thong, leaning against a palm tree, giving the camera a come hither stare?

I’m saying this not to body shame these men, I’m sure they’d all look great in tiny swimsuits. I’m saying it more because imagining men being asked to pose like this, in a collective harem of almost-naked famous men, seems sort of ridiculous (or maybe a really good idea Sports Illustrated should steal from me?). Something about asking women as accomplished as Gayle King and Martha Stewart to participate in a swimsuit competition seems stupid, much in the same way swimsuit competitions in beauty pageants seem stupid.

It’s not the notion of these particular men in swimsuits that seems silly. It’s the idea of them having to prove themselves in that way, that very physical and surface way, that seems strange. Because we just don’t ask that of men. And while the Swimsuit Issue has really gotten better over the years, it still is a swimsuit competition of sorts.

Contrary to what I’m saying, I’m not actually anti - Swimsuit Issue. I think it’s fun. Women (and all people) should be allowed to wear whatever they want, feel sexy, and be celebrated for it. But we are so culturally conditioned to seeing women do this that the idea of men posing in tiny swimsuits exposes how funny the whole thing is. True, there are younger guys like Henry Cavill that will do a shirtless Men’s Health cover to promote whatever Marvel movie they’re in. But there’s not, to my knowledge, a major publication that features a yearly spread of famous, accomplished men wearing swimsuits.

I don’t know how Gayle King decided to pose for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Maybe she was legit excited to do it and wanted to immortalize the her beautiful body while encouraging women of all ages to feel like they could do the same. Maybe her agent was like “You should do this, you’ll be the oldest one and you’ll get lots of press like Martha.” Maybe she was at her best friend Oprah’s pool one day and Oprah was like “You look great! Do the swimsuit issue!” And if Oprah says do it, you do it.

My fantasy is that the competition to be the oldest person in the Swimsuit Issue continues every year until one year they just finally feature a dead corpse wearing a bikini, calling it the most trailblazing moment in Swimsuit Issue history. That’s when we’ll really know we’ve truly become a fully inclusive society.

I guess we’ll never know why Gayle King decided to do the Swimsuit Issue. I mean, I suppose I could have read her interview in there to see if she talks about it but I didn’t because I was too distracted looking at the pictures of sexy ladies in bikinis to do any reading. In my defense, most people aren’t buying the Swimsuit Issue for the articles (also, I was looking at it online I have no idea if the actual magazine still exists in print form and I refuse to find out). All I know is that I think all the people in this year’s issue look great and that the notion of a swimsuit issue feels totally dated but also not really all that problematic in the scheme of things. We have bigger fish to fry (like women not having full legal control over their own bodies).

I don’t have a problem with a cavalcade of women prancing around in teeny bikinis. And again, I kind of think the Swimsuit Issue is fun. But if you think about it, it’s also really fucking weird. And all you have to do is imagine famous men in it rather than women to realize exactly how strange it is.

What do you think? Would you pose in the Swimsuit Issue if you were a mega celeb? (I would). Goodbye!