Here's a List of All The Hot Guys at My Gym.

If Trevor doesn't French me I will literally die.

This year, my vibe is dumb and stupid. After four years in a misery hole, all I want is frivolity and to run around being an idiot like all the time. So today I’m going to talk about all the guys who go to my gym that I want to make out with. Because, at my core, I am twelve year old girl with crushes on like every boy I see.

I work out at a gym, somewhere in the state of California (I won’t get more specific, mostly because I mention Fabio later and he’s a national treasure to be protected at all costs). I like the gym because I’ve been going there for about ten years and I am comfortable with it. It’s nice and clean and there is enough equipment to do what I want. And I probably spend too much money on it but my feeling is that if I don’t spend the money on my health now, I’ll pay for it in the future, physically and financially. Plus, when I’m in LA, I go almost every day and it gets me out of the house and helps stave off physical depression, which I fall into naturally if I don’t workout. So really if you think about it I’d be losing money not to have this gym membership.

An interesting aspect of working out at the same gym for so long is that you recognize people from seeing them day after day, year after year. You sort of both know each other but also don’t know anything about who they are. Visually, you have an awareness of one another. You know what they look like but you have to make up their life stories. Which I’m very good at because I have a wild and vivid imagination.

My gym is predominantly gay. I’d guess about 90%. There are a few women that go there and then like four straight men whose role there I don’t fully understand. It’s honestly kind of a great place for a woman. Because women can wear the sexiest, most revealing workout clothes and not get ogled. They can be comfortable without being made to feel weirded out by dudes creepin’ on them. From what I hear from my female friends, being in public spaces can be scary sometimes, mens bodies can be intimidating. But the women here know we’re all on their team and if a creepy straight dude tried to do anything we’d punch them right in the stomach whilst screaming about feminism.

So most women there are in bras and tiny shorts with that gathering that goes up the butt crack and leaves literally nothing to the imagination. It’s a pretty big feat to outdo gay men in the HAY LOOK AT MY SEXY BODY department, but the women at my gym have done it and for that, I salute them! I am very pro-slut, even though my version of slutting is day dreaming about French kissing guys I will never actually talk to.

Before I move on, a definition, for those of you born after 1992.

French Kiss: When two people who love each other very much open their mouths fully, smash their faces together, and waggle their tongues back and forth until they fall in love and get married.

I’d venture to guess that my gym has the highest per capita hot guys in the world. And it’s probably why I constantly feel unattractive. But it’s also very motivating so it’s a double-edged sword. Here’s a list of the guys at my gym I who I love the most:

1. Big Butt Dave

   I’ve had a crush on Big Butt Dave for like ten years. Once, we matched on Tinder but we’ve never met. I like him for reasons obvious from his name but also his face is hot. I have no idea if he’s nice or not but maybe someday we’ll drink wine in a hot tub and look into each other’s eyes and scream “I LOVE YOU!” at each other until we pass out from exhaustion.

2. Tiny Mustache

   Tiny Mustache is kinda tied with Big Butt Dave for first place. Like I can’t tell which one I like more. Tiny Mustache is short, which I like. Just like me, he has thick gay thighs. And he’s a ginger. He has a cute little ginger mustache trimmed the perfect shape. One day, maybe we’ll snuggle under a blanket together at my cabin while I caress his mustache and he explains physics or whatever he does for work to me.

3. Trevor

   One time Trevor talked to me and I almost fainted. I can’t remember what about because I have a terrible memory but maybe he asked me for a spot or something. Trevor is really sexy, like in an Adam Driver way (though I hate Adam Driver now because he was a dick to Terry Gross). He looks like a werewolf. If Trevor doesn’t come over to me today at the gym and French kiss me in front of everyone I will literally die. I love Trevor.

4. Tall Caramel

   Tall Caramel is like 6’5” and ethnically ambiguous. He is the hottest person who goes to my gym by far. It is my dream that one day we go to a diner and drink a milkshake out of the same glass using two straws. Tall Caramel is a dreamboat and would look great in our wedding photos and we totally would get a New York Times Wedding Profile because he looks like he went to Harvard or something.

5. Fabio

   Fabio was brushing his hair at the mirror yesterday in the locker room and it was the most magical thing I've ever seen. His hair is long, flowing, and luscious like Christine Taylor’s wig in the Brady Bunch movies. He talks too everyone and everyone loves him. He seems really nice. I have never talked to him but one day maybe he will be like “Hey, you look really great. I’m Fabio.” I would fucking die.

6. Aladdin

   Technically, Aladdin is off limits because he’s married to my friend. He legit looks like the cartoon version of Aladdin from 1992, who everyone knows is the hottest Disney prince by far. I know him but we don’t say hi because if all the gays at my gym who knew each other said hi it would be annoying. Like there wouldn’t be time for anything else. His husband is also really hot. I wish they could make hot gay babies because their kids would be so attractive and the world would be so much better off. Go Aladdin and husband!

7. German Buzz Cut

   German Buzz Cut wears really cute fashion clothes and is seemingly always at the gym. I actually have no verification that he’s German but if I talked to him and he didn’t have a German accent I’d GASP. He’s kinda like Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting hot. One day I hope to run down the street with him, both smothered in CK One, as “Born Slippy” by Underworld plays on speakers no one can see.

8. Thick Thigh Perm Boy and Stanford Boyfriend

   Thick Thigh Perm Boy wears cute workout bicycle shorts and big 90s t-shirts at the gym. He dresses exactly like I dressed when I was his age (28?) and he has big curly hair that’s really cute. He’s jacked and he comes with his equally adorable raven-haired boyfriend. The story I’ve created about them is that they met at Stanford the moved to LA together like sweet cute little babies. Thick Thighs is the outgoing one, Raven Hair is the grounded sweeter one. It is my dream to be a bridesmaid at their wedding. I will make their wedding all about me and everyone will clap at the end.

9. Angry Bubble Butt

   Angry Bubble Butt is mad all the time. Constantly frowning and furious. Which I don’t get because he has the best butt I’ve ever seen and like how could you be mad about that? I’m so jealous. Like calm down babe I’d just be running around FULLY NUDE if I were you. One day, it is my dream that I will be doing sit ups on a floor mat and he will walk by, trip and fall on top of me, and we will accidentally experience TRUE LOVE’S FIRST KISS right there at the gym. Then we will get married.

10. Ian Ziering

    Last but not least, Steve Sanders works out at my gym and he still looks great! He looks mature and handsome but not old. He hasn’t had any bad work done. I’m not attracted to straight men but if I were, I’d wanna hold hands with Ian on Rodeo Drive and let him buy me things.

In case you’re worried the people at my gym will read this and it’ll be like that part in Harriet The Spy where they find her journal, don’t worry. Literally no gay man from Los Angeles reads this. There are a few gays out there who do, but they all live in Ohio. Thank you, Ohio gays!

Plus, if these men do find out, who cares? They all know they’re hot already it’s like not news. I’ve already told Big Butt Dave everything I said here so I have no shame. His butt really is big an he really is hot. Facts are facts!

Anyway, what hot guys do YOU like???