I am a catastrophic thinker, and it can make me feel better to rationalize with myself that the "worst case scenario" may not be as bad as I assume. I am truly sending you all of the positive vibes that you'll figure stuff out and keep your Yosemite home! But, just to answer what you wrote in the post ("I have no idea what happens in a foreclosure but I’m assuming it’s not as advantageous as selling the house in good standing would be") - yes and no. I'm an attorney in CA and used to work in a foreclosure adjacent field, so I know a bit about how the process works. If your house goes to a foreclosure sale and sells for more than you owe on the mortgage, you will actually be cut a check for the amount remaining once all of the lienholders are paid off. Here, the only lienholder is likely your mortgage company for the amount of any unpaid mortgage. Yes, a house probably won't sell at foreclosure sale for quite as much as it would on the open market, but the type of people who bid on these types of properties in CA know their value, so the discount may not be as steep as you might think. The bank would deduct any foreclosure fees, penalties, etc. from the total amount paid - but given your equity you would likely walk away with a very good chunk of cash. Obviously still wouldn't be the outcome you were looking for, but just wanted to clear up that one piece of the puzzle and maybe help you realize that the "worst case scenario" may be better than you're thinking. I debated about commenting and hope this little tidbit is helpful!
The fact you can write about it means you are dealing with it all head on which is a huge step in the right direction. Thank you for sharing this with us, it does make me feel more human and that life is far from perfect at times.
I totally can relate to having someone be there when I make scary phone calls. I thought it was just me that feels better about that - it's nice to know I'm not the only one.
Also, I don't usually call it one scary thing a day, but I once learned from my boss, "you eat an elephant one bite at a time" which is exactly what you are doing. Breaking it into smaller manageable tasks.
YOU GOT THIS. It's going to work out, the roommate sounds like the right move, you're doing all the things you can do, both financially and emotionally/mentally.
Whew. Sending so much love, from someone who knows the avoidance-shame-paralyzed spiral all too well. It is awful. It's really, really brave to decide to allow yourself some grace. One Scary Thing per day is, like, a LOT of scary things, actually!!! I manage about One Scary Thing per week, at my absolute best! Currently? not at my best. If you manage only one per month, you're still doing great. You're moving.
I do have a small suggestion, but lord knows it's not about your life or your finances. You're a grown-ass man and clearly very capable and thoughtful. The fact that this is hard is not a reflection of your ability to handle it. It's just actually really hard. SO if you are at all interested in something that really helped me reframe my to-do lists, to induce less shame and make things overall feel less scary, read on. If you're all set, skip it, and thanks for writing this. It's inspiring me to tackle some Scary Things.
Anyway. I kept feeling really overwhelmed by my to-do list, like this big huge beast of a thing that was a toxic mix of stuff that had to get done and should get done and could get done and I wish I had time for... it was awful, and only made me feel useless. An ADHD friend of mine taught me the system she uses, which was invented by this Bill-Gates-looking dude in the 90s. It looked cheesy, but it majorly shifted my thinking. It's the GTD (Getting Things Done) method, and the main thing is all about giving yourself kinder (and realistic) headspace, and really acknowledging how much time stuff takes. Time is a hugely important resource, and our shame-brains act like it's limitless. So there's a whole GTD book, but I doubt anyone needs to get into the weeds with it. My game changer was just how to organize my to-do list, so it doesn't make me feel like crap.
Big thing: you have a whooooole bunch of lists. Stuff you're going to achieve quickly are Action Items, and you make a bunch of those lists based on where you have to be to achieve them: phone calls, computer work, house chores, 'the ball is not currently in my court', hardware store, etc. You might be able to tackle stuff from the phone calls list if you have a long layover, but you don't have an item on there making you feel crappy that you can't possibly achieve, like 'pick up dry cleaning.' You cannot possibly clean your LA bathroom when you're not in LA. So put the item on the right list, so it doesn't shame you! The headspace this all gave me... major.
Long, ongoing projects don't go on your Action Lists, so that you never feel like crap because a major renovation isn't finished when you were actually trying to see if you need yogurt. If you want to tackle the project, it's easy enough to get the list out. Each project gets its own planning list. And the clincher is the "Someday/maybe" list, which is for pipe dreams. The very name lets you off the hook. It's SO nice.
Anyway, I have fallen off the strict GTD system, but there are a lot of other helpful ideas in it if anyone is curious. However. Just these basic ideas helped me respect my time and my bandwidth in a way nothing else really managed to do.
Oh my gosh, what great advice! I also have ADHD and have a lot of trouble moving from one thing to another. (Like now, still in my bathrobe, at 1:45 pm, worrying about all the stuff I have to do, yet, still in my bathrobe...on a loop). Doing one hard thing is a real way I can do something today--thank you.
This wasn't trauma dumping at all. It was authentic, raw and refreshingly honest in an industry of BS. Fear is a huge part of true creative entrepreneurship. So many are funded by husbands and parents-doesn't dismiss their talent, but just not the same thing as those who truly do it on their own.
As someone trying to balance a full time job (steady paycheck, health insurance but soul crushing) with starting up a business (so that I can hopefully leave the full time job), the one big scary thing a day has been such a useful way to tackle the to do list without completely blowing my energy or making me feel terrible for not doing ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. Thank you so much for calling folks in on this, and normalizing the space so many of us have to exist in everyday.
A friend gave me another piece of advice that I’ll pass along that’s been helpful - determining what things are pass/fail. I have anxiety and adhd and sometimes the decision making paralysis comes in because my brain thinks something needs to be perfect - the perfect email, the perfect logo, the perfect spreadsheet, PowerPoint, whatever - when done is more important. So, reminding myself that no one is giving me a grade on that email or phone all or whatever, once I’ve done it, I’ve passed, alleviates a bit of the scariness and anxiety. Don’t know if that resonates with anyone else, maybe it’s the former gifted program kid in me 🙃
Ok, and last thing on the heating thing, since I just went through it. (Feel free to stop reading here!) If you have any interest or it’s feasible to look at converting from propane to electric heating (especially ductless or heat pump) there’s a lot of grants and credits out there from power companies, the state and fed governments; I know our utility company had a list of them on their website - we were able to get like 75% of the replacement costs covered.
All the good thoughts and vibes for less scary things to do. And thank you again for this newsletter - I always find it so incredibly refreshing and relatable ❤️
This is just what I needed to read today. I have been stuck lately, unable to get most of the things on my list done (or even attempted). I LOVE the permission to do just one scary thing per day! And as that is already done today I'm off to do something fun (ok, just veg in from of the tv. This is a no-judgemwnt zone right/)
No advice - just holding space for your anxiety and depression. It can be so hard, but reading your hilarious, enthusiastic, aspirational posts has lightened my day in the past when I felt weighed down. You are so much more than your hardest times. Sending love and support!
Great advice in this thread. I just read a book that might be helpful once you have a moment to regroup ~ it's titled, "Make Time, How to Focus on What Matters Every Day," by Jake Knapp and John Zeratsky. A soft cover gently used copy will be very helpful once you have a day off at your cabin or once things coalesce. I had a difficult overwhelming week recently, and I applied the principles to one particularly pressured day, and it was very very helpful. Highly recommended, and best of luck ~ you deserve a big break and resolution, and a loyal team for support.
You wrote, "...going through similarly challenging life moments".
The thing here is they are MOMENTS in a great big, multi-faceted life full of up hills and down dales.
Recognising that they are ONLY MOMENTS, is the learning to take away from the big picture.
Yaaay, Orlando!! 💖
In 2021, I thought I might be homeless. Like as, in the street, homeless, or in a women's shelter homeless. After ending a decades-long abusive relationship where I ended up without even a bank account, no access to money at all, all of MY assets sold off (and there were aplenty!)...I was terror-stricken.
Somehow, some way....I was provided with an on-the-spot point where "he" thought he needed something from me to buy his big fuck-me-mansion and I pulled the only trigger I had = sign this little 100 yr old cottage over to me in full and I'll help you with that.
He took it.
I now live in my little cottage, with an enormous garden and land that is accruing value very quickly.
It's small and nothing is level or straight; the floorboards creak (I love that!) and not everything works properly. But....it's mine.
I lived without a car for 7 months, too = hard.
I looked for a helper to resolve that. I now have a great car.
We must remember that to some people, all they have ever experienced is a stubbed toe and that stubbed toe hurts soooo badly, to them.
We might've had a broken leg = big time pain, much worse and all that, but incomprehensible to someone that has only ever had a stubbed toe.
Being mindful of the difference IS THE DIFFERENCE between empathy and self-obsession.
Orlando....I believe you have both. 😊
You have the ability to see the bigger picture and still dwell in your vortex of whatever is going on at the time.
It's nice to see that, recently, you've had your eye on the bigger game.
I'm kinda over the vomit of 'my white privilege....I feel so bad about being so lucky....blah blah...'and you're not like that. You state it, move on and keep going.
I deeply appreciate it.
You state your privilege and explain that this privilege is precarious. That keeps it real.
I own a house. Outright. WTF?! I am more than okay. I do not owe anyone any money.... but I am asset rich and cash poor - this is my choice. I own it and don't complain about what I don't have, as a result. I am content.
I dwell in "I am here and it is now".
I frequently say it aloud, to remind myself.
My recent "wish" was to find a Beta male to have an intimate companionship with (entirely over the Alpha males) - separate houses as I don't think I will ever want to fully cohabitate with anyone again...(well, now that is where my head's at and that could change).
Along came Clark Kent, with a Superman inside (let's just say he had done some high-level intensive tactical training in the past and knows how to handle himself if Superman is needed). 😎
I was NOT expecting it. I want to adore him and be adored by him.
He adores me. Superman lives 300 metres away!! LOL
OMG! 😜
Orlando....let go of what might be in that regard, stop trying so hard and HE might slip into your life when you least expect it.
You're doing fine, really fine and your finances need to be your focus right now.
Keep looking for "the helpers" as Mr Rogers advised us.
My friend and I started doing one hour admin meetings. We pick one day during the week where we will meet on zoom for one hour to do our life admin stuff. We open the meeting with one thing we want to accomplish and then we go on mute and get to it. It usually consists of, call dr, make appts, figure out how to return a purchase, read paperwork, etc. It has also helped me with all the wandering thoughts and guilt. If I think of something I add it to my life admin note and save it for that one hour. One other tip is that I treat it as if I was someone’s admin and that gets rid of some emotion.
Sending you all the love. I appreciate you so much.
I really appreciate your honesty. I am so sorry that you keep trying to do the right thing and have been given so many curve balls. No unsolicited advice, just admiration for your resilience.
I am a catastrophic thinker, and it can make me feel better to rationalize with myself that the "worst case scenario" may not be as bad as I assume. I am truly sending you all of the positive vibes that you'll figure stuff out and keep your Yosemite home! But, just to answer what you wrote in the post ("I have no idea what happens in a foreclosure but I’m assuming it’s not as advantageous as selling the house in good standing would be") - yes and no. I'm an attorney in CA and used to work in a foreclosure adjacent field, so I know a bit about how the process works. If your house goes to a foreclosure sale and sells for more than you owe on the mortgage, you will actually be cut a check for the amount remaining once all of the lienholders are paid off. Here, the only lienholder is likely your mortgage company for the amount of any unpaid mortgage. Yes, a house probably won't sell at foreclosure sale for quite as much as it would on the open market, but the type of people who bid on these types of properties in CA know their value, so the discount may not be as steep as you might think. The bank would deduct any foreclosure fees, penalties, etc. from the total amount paid - but given your equity you would likely walk away with a very good chunk of cash. Obviously still wouldn't be the outcome you were looking for, but just wanted to clear up that one piece of the puzzle and maybe help you realize that the "worst case scenario" may be better than you're thinking. I debated about commenting and hope this little tidbit is helpful!
The fact you can write about it means you are dealing with it all head on which is a huge step in the right direction. Thank you for sharing this with us, it does make me feel more human and that life is far from perfect at times.
I totally can relate to having someone be there when I make scary phone calls. I thought it was just me that feels better about that - it's nice to know I'm not the only one.
Also, I don't usually call it one scary thing a day, but I once learned from my boss, "you eat an elephant one bite at a time" which is exactly what you are doing. Breaking it into smaller manageable tasks.
YOU GOT THIS. It's going to work out, the roommate sounds like the right move, you're doing all the things you can do, both financially and emotionally/mentally.
Whew. Sending so much love, from someone who knows the avoidance-shame-paralyzed spiral all too well. It is awful. It's really, really brave to decide to allow yourself some grace. One Scary Thing per day is, like, a LOT of scary things, actually!!! I manage about One Scary Thing per week, at my absolute best! Currently? not at my best. If you manage only one per month, you're still doing great. You're moving.
I do have a small suggestion, but lord knows it's not about your life or your finances. You're a grown-ass man and clearly very capable and thoughtful. The fact that this is hard is not a reflection of your ability to handle it. It's just actually really hard. SO if you are at all interested in something that really helped me reframe my to-do lists, to induce less shame and make things overall feel less scary, read on. If you're all set, skip it, and thanks for writing this. It's inspiring me to tackle some Scary Things.
Anyway. I kept feeling really overwhelmed by my to-do list, like this big huge beast of a thing that was a toxic mix of stuff that had to get done and should get done and could get done and I wish I had time for... it was awful, and only made me feel useless. An ADHD friend of mine taught me the system she uses, which was invented by this Bill-Gates-looking dude in the 90s. It looked cheesy, but it majorly shifted my thinking. It's the GTD (Getting Things Done) method, and the main thing is all about giving yourself kinder (and realistic) headspace, and really acknowledging how much time stuff takes. Time is a hugely important resource, and our shame-brains act like it's limitless. So there's a whole GTD book, but I doubt anyone needs to get into the weeds with it. My game changer was just how to organize my to-do list, so it doesn't make me feel like crap.
Big thing: you have a whooooole bunch of lists. Stuff you're going to achieve quickly are Action Items, and you make a bunch of those lists based on where you have to be to achieve them: phone calls, computer work, house chores, 'the ball is not currently in my court', hardware store, etc. You might be able to tackle stuff from the phone calls list if you have a long layover, but you don't have an item on there making you feel crappy that you can't possibly achieve, like 'pick up dry cleaning.' You cannot possibly clean your LA bathroom when you're not in LA. So put the item on the right list, so it doesn't shame you! The headspace this all gave me... major.
Long, ongoing projects don't go on your Action Lists, so that you never feel like crap because a major renovation isn't finished when you were actually trying to see if you need yogurt. If you want to tackle the project, it's easy enough to get the list out. Each project gets its own planning list. And the clincher is the "Someday/maybe" list, which is for pipe dreams. The very name lets you off the hook. It's SO nice.
Anyway, I have fallen off the strict GTD system, but there are a lot of other helpful ideas in it if anyone is curious. However. Just these basic ideas helped me respect my time and my bandwidth in a way nothing else really managed to do.
Hope this helps someone else, too.
Oh my gosh, what great advice! I also have ADHD and have a lot of trouble moving from one thing to another. (Like now, still in my bathrobe, at 1:45 pm, worrying about all the stuff I have to do, yet, still in my bathrobe...on a loop). Doing one hard thing is a real way I can do something today--thank you.
This wasn't trauma dumping at all. It was authentic, raw and refreshingly honest in an industry of BS. Fear is a huge part of true creative entrepreneurship. So many are funded by husbands and parents-doesn't dismiss their talent, but just not the same thing as those who truly do it on their own.
As someone trying to balance a full time job (steady paycheck, health insurance but soul crushing) with starting up a business (so that I can hopefully leave the full time job), the one big scary thing a day has been such a useful way to tackle the to do list without completely blowing my energy or making me feel terrible for not doing ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. Thank you so much for calling folks in on this, and normalizing the space so many of us have to exist in everyday.
A friend gave me another piece of advice that I’ll pass along that’s been helpful - determining what things are pass/fail. I have anxiety and adhd and sometimes the decision making paralysis comes in because my brain thinks something needs to be perfect - the perfect email, the perfect logo, the perfect spreadsheet, PowerPoint, whatever - when done is more important. So, reminding myself that no one is giving me a grade on that email or phone all or whatever, once I’ve done it, I’ve passed, alleviates a bit of the scariness and anxiety. Don’t know if that resonates with anyone else, maybe it’s the former gifted program kid in me 🙃
Ok, and last thing on the heating thing, since I just went through it. (Feel free to stop reading here!) If you have any interest or it’s feasible to look at converting from propane to electric heating (especially ductless or heat pump) there’s a lot of grants and credits out there from power companies, the state and fed governments; I know our utility company had a list of them on their website - we were able to get like 75% of the replacement costs covered.
All the good thoughts and vibes for less scary things to do. And thank you again for this newsletter - I always find it so incredibly refreshing and relatable ❤️
This is just what I needed to read today. I have been stuck lately, unable to get most of the things on my list done (or even attempted). I LOVE the permission to do just one scary thing per day! And as that is already done today I'm off to do something fun (ok, just veg in from of the tv. This is a no-judgemwnt zone right/)
No advice - just holding space for your anxiety and depression. It can be so hard, but reading your hilarious, enthusiastic, aspirational posts has lightened my day in the past when I felt weighed down. You are so much more than your hardest times. Sending love and support!
Great advice in this thread. I just read a book that might be helpful once you have a moment to regroup ~ it's titled, "Make Time, How to Focus on What Matters Every Day," by Jake Knapp and John Zeratsky. A soft cover gently used copy will be very helpful once you have a day off at your cabin or once things coalesce. I had a difficult overwhelming week recently, and I applied the principles to one particularly pressured day, and it was very very helpful. Highly recommended, and best of luck ~ you deserve a big break and resolution, and a loyal team for support.
You can do this Orlando. You’ve already taken the first step. You are so strong!
Wowza!!
You wrote, "...going through similarly challenging life moments".
The thing here is they are MOMENTS in a great big, multi-faceted life full of up hills and down dales.
Recognising that they are ONLY MOMENTS, is the learning to take away from the big picture.
Yaaay, Orlando!! 💖
In 2021, I thought I might be homeless. Like as, in the street, homeless, or in a women's shelter homeless. After ending a decades-long abusive relationship where I ended up without even a bank account, no access to money at all, all of MY assets sold off (and there were aplenty!)...I was terror-stricken.
Somehow, some way....I was provided with an on-the-spot point where "he" thought he needed something from me to buy his big fuck-me-mansion and I pulled the only trigger I had = sign this little 100 yr old cottage over to me in full and I'll help you with that.
He took it.
I now live in my little cottage, with an enormous garden and land that is accruing value very quickly.
It's small and nothing is level or straight; the floorboards creak (I love that!) and not everything works properly. But....it's mine.
I lived without a car for 7 months, too = hard.
I looked for a helper to resolve that. I now have a great car.
We must remember that to some people, all they have ever experienced is a stubbed toe and that stubbed toe hurts soooo badly, to them.
We might've had a broken leg = big time pain, much worse and all that, but incomprehensible to someone that has only ever had a stubbed toe.
Being mindful of the difference IS THE DIFFERENCE between empathy and self-obsession.
Orlando....I believe you have both. 😊
You have the ability to see the bigger picture and still dwell in your vortex of whatever is going on at the time.
It's nice to see that, recently, you've had your eye on the bigger game.
I'm kinda over the vomit of 'my white privilege....I feel so bad about being so lucky....blah blah...'and you're not like that. You state it, move on and keep going.
I deeply appreciate it.
You state your privilege and explain that this privilege is precarious. That keeps it real.
I own a house. Outright. WTF?! I am more than okay. I do not owe anyone any money.... but I am asset rich and cash poor - this is my choice. I own it and don't complain about what I don't have, as a result. I am content.
I dwell in "I am here and it is now".
I frequently say it aloud, to remind myself.
My recent "wish" was to find a Beta male to have an intimate companionship with (entirely over the Alpha males) - separate houses as I don't think I will ever want to fully cohabitate with anyone again...(well, now that is where my head's at and that could change).
Along came Clark Kent, with a Superman inside (let's just say he had done some high-level intensive tactical training in the past and knows how to handle himself if Superman is needed). 😎
I was NOT expecting it. I want to adore him and be adored by him.
He adores me. Superman lives 300 metres away!! LOL
OMG! 😜
Orlando....let go of what might be in that regard, stop trying so hard and HE might slip into your life when you least expect it.
You're doing fine, really fine and your finances need to be your focus right now.
Keep looking for "the helpers" as Mr Rogers advised us.
They're around, just like your friend.
Hugz, Rusty 🥰
No advice from me. Just encouragement to hang in there.
My friend and I started doing one hour admin meetings. We pick one day during the week where we will meet on zoom for one hour to do our life admin stuff. We open the meeting with one thing we want to accomplish and then we go on mute and get to it. It usually consists of, call dr, make appts, figure out how to return a purchase, read paperwork, etc. It has also helped me with all the wandering thoughts and guilt. If I think of something I add it to my life admin note and save it for that one hour. One other tip is that I treat it as if I was someone’s admin and that gets rid of some emotion.
Sending you all the love. I appreciate you so much.
That’s a lot Orlando. But one hard thing at at time? Brilliant.
I really appreciate your honesty. I am so sorry that you keep trying to do the right thing and have been given so many curve balls. No unsolicited advice, just admiration for your resilience.