Letter From Londo Lodge.

I drove to the woods to get drugs.

I’m up at Londo Lodge figuring a few things out this week. It’s going to be a quick trip because I have a last-minute trip to New York for a brand coming up on Sunday. I had to drop off a few materials for the kitchen, check on the plants outside, set up the irrigation, and check out a few local kitchen resources (I’m looking for countertop and a few cabinet fronts). Another reason I came up here is that I left all my meds here, including the BuSpar I just started taking.

I tend to be pretty drug resistant so I was surprised that I felt the effects of BuSpar, an anti-anxiety medication, almost immediately. So when I ran out a few days ago, I knew I’d have to drive back up here to get it. That’s roughly nine hours round-trip but I grew up driving a lot (because we lived in the woods) so I’m used to being in the car all the time.

Monday ended up being a weird day. I woke up really stressed about everything. I have a client whose house is a BIG project and I’ve been really stressed I was keeping them waiting on design plans. Luckily, I had a call with the architect and they’re actually waiting on him. But I’m also stressing about an invoice I need them to pay so I can pay the drafter to continue making presentations and also pay myself back thousands of dollars from previous design work. I hate invoicing and I hate bugging people to pay me.

It’s the end of the month, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay my rent. It always seems to workout at the last minute, a wonderful situation that allows me to live in terror for weeks while also meeting my financial obligations at the last minute. I have a few opportunities coming my way that should finally get me out of this dry spell so I’m feeling relief is in sight.

I’ve been told by so many people to try and calm down, to relax. But I kind of wonder how many people would be able to relax in my situation. If you didn’t know you’d be able to pay your rent or mortgage, wouldn’t it kind of make you incapable of being calm?

I’ve been thinking a bit about why I’m so NOT secretive about financial worry. I think part of it is that I feel like I have a responsibility that comes along with an audience to show the reality of living a freelance creative life, rather than an impossible-to-achieve idealized version.

But another part of it is confidence, I guess. If I didn’t think I’d be fine in the long run, that my vacation rental and other income-producing projects would succeed, I probably wouldn’t talk about all my financial woes so much. I have had so many ups and downs career wise but what I’ve always noticed when something big happens for me is people tend to just assume it was handed to me on a platter - they don’t see the years of work that went into it.

It’s a much more dynamic story to watch someone work for something. Who wants to see someone who has everything get MORE everything? I love a good story, so I think part of me is sharing this because it will create a much more interesting story arc. It will be more satisfying to see me in a few years when I have a big beautiful house with a big beautiful kitchen knowing that there were actual stakes at one point, knowing that there was a very distinct possibility I could have lost the house.

I’m in the process of creating a Kickstarter for my kitchen. I still feel weird about it but it’s actually more like a sale of my online shops merchandise than a “HELLO PLEASE SEND ME MONEY” type thing (though it is that too). I’m going to be offering prints, pillows, and t-shirts to anyone who donates so it’s kind of like I’m having a studio sale to fund my kitchen. Does this feel humiliating after watching all my influencer friends seemingly effortlessly build their dream homes in 1/4th the time it’s taken me to get to JUST MY KITCHEN? Yes. But I actually can’t afford shame right now.

I’m in the process of being vetted for an opportunity that would definitely change things for the better, at least for the next few months. If I get it, I’ll have to completely reconfigure my life overnight because it would start in a week. Hopefully I’ll have something to update you on soon. Wish me luck!