Please continue to use your readers as a blank slate into which you pour your frustration. There’s not much for us to do, or even say, that can make a huge difference, but please know that we all care about you, and hope for things to get better for you.
My former MIL used to say her favorite Bible verse was, “...and this too, shall pass”, which isn’t in the Bible at all, but spoke to her hope in shitty situations. I do find that when I am going through crap, I put up Post-It notes on mirrors with this very “verse”.
Which is to say that this time in your life will pass. You will realize your goals, whether it be a gorgeous home in the woods, or the sales price in your pocket. I don’t put much stock in lessons learned from shitty times (how often do we have to learn that contractors have zero sense of time?). But, I do believe that after the crap time has passed, after the result is in, the sense of having passed through it all and survived is important to our sense of making a difference in our own life. Ultimately, we are all we have. We can love and even marry, or begat, or live with others, but our own “self” is all we truly have. Experiences like yours allow you to see yourself as “up for the task”, if you will, of being enough. You set out on a journey and you completed it. You didn’t arrive with a white horse and chariot, but with blistered feet and broken bones, hating every step. But you arrived, goddamnit. And that is enough. And you are enough for these times. Maybe that’s the only lesson we need.
We have just finished a 3+ year renovation. We had friends/PR over to see it the other night. They all loved it. "Oh, who did your walls?" Um, I did. "This floor is amazing, who laid it?" Um, we did. My husband literally built every single piece of this property by himself with me helping when and how I could. He feels like it has stolen his life for the past 3 years - I can very much relate to your feelings about your project. I enjoy following you but do not underestimate in the least the financial and emotional energy it is costing you. If I had my time again, I would not repeat this experience. Wishing you strength for the final push. Oh, and don't even talk to me about bad eating while working on this thing - gummy bears for lunch? Sure.
I know you didn’t ask for opinions, but I think you should stick it out. I’ve been in waiting purgatory before. When I went to do my PhD, my funding got messed up and I spent two years living on $20k USD/year in one of the highest COL cities in the world. I got backpay after two years, but it was brutal. I lived in 225 sq ft for four years. I shared that space with my newborn, too. I watched my life savings dwindle to nothing and about lost my mind with how badly my university was treating me. I had zero social life, a deeply traumatising/isolating child birth, and I ended my 10-year marriage. Like you, I had to shoulder so much alone without any help.
I survived, emerged, got the damn PhD, burnt out hard, and moved on with my life. I’m not working as an academic, not least because of that experience, but I achieved the goal/plan. I think I would’ve felt so much worse to have endured all that for nothing. When I was really low, I kept returning to the fact that I’d actually done what I had originally planned as a sort of touchstone: “I achieved that, I’m not incapable, I’m not a bottomless well of poor life decisions.”
So I vote stick it out, it’s darkest before the dawn (etc. etc.), you’re almost there, hang in there. When your income recovers, get lots of therapy. You can spend years drawing lessons from the experience. It’ll be great for personal growth in the end (said with some sarcasm, but also empathy). I released a lot of rage, learned a lot about myself, slowly rebuilt, and everything eventually got so, so much better. I think you’re very reflective and that could easily be your outcome too.
I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a tough time. It sucks to have so much out of your control and to feel so mired in uncertainty. You absolutely deserve to be fulfilled and appreciated and I hope you start to feel some of that soon. I appreciate your work and what you make brings me real joy, whether it’s a funny post or videos of Satie or how beautiful the kitchen renovation from hell is looking in the pic in this post! Thank you for sharing the good and bad. Sending you hugs and new year, hot new boyfriend energy ✨
Orlando - I've been reading your posts for quite a while, and it makes me sad that you're still stuck in renovation hell. Do you think it might be time to cut your losses and sell Londo Lodge and get rid of the massive weight that is crushing you and your spirit? I tend to make decisions by comparing the pros and cons, and I'm wondering if the scale has tipped to the con side on the Lodge. You are so deeply unhappy.
I recently went through three+ years of an unending variety of hellish occurrences. Every morning when I'd wake up, I'd feel like Sisyphus, pushing a huge rock up a hill only to have it roll back down to the bottom at the end of the day. Things are currently better (knock on wood), and I now can see how much stress and sadness I was weighed down by, much like you currently are. I really didn't like the person I had become, and it's going to take a while to get back to someone resembling my old self, but I am making progress.
Sometimes it's better just to let go and move on, rather staying with than the unhappy status quo. You are a wonderful and creative person, and there is nothing wrong with saying you've done your best, but the cons are really outweighing the pros.
Maybe, in the future when you are in a better situation financially you could buy another house that needs less work in less difficult and complicated circumstances.
Despite this post, I try not to give other people advice. We're all different, and we all see things differently.. But, in this case, my gut yelled "Sell it!!!, so I thought I'd pass it along. I hope that, whatever you decide, you will move into a better situation next year. Love, Anne
I think about this all the time. Firstly, my goal was never to flip this house. Second, selling in winter wouldn't be smart. Third, my credit is fucked so I'm scared the money would just end up getting eaten by debt and I'd be left with nothing. Fourth, mortgage rates rn. Fifth, I have put so much physical work into this house and I'd be sad if I never got to enjoy the fruits of my labor. It's a complicated equation that just isn't adding up to selling, yet. The scary thing about California home ownership is if you exit, it's very likely you won't be able to reenter. And I don't really wanna leave my home state again.
Yes! There is your fighting spirit and resilience, and the great way you balance the math on paper to the math in real 3d life. All choices are not equal, and you know deeply the value of the land you now hold and steward and that is what you're doing right now. You may be deep in the woods but you're not lost in the forest, just tired of the walk. When you arrive at the destination the walk will be over and the amenities will be wonderful, and holding your vision for the lodge, and going back to that vision which you have many times expressed here, is what is allowing you to finish this. Any number of things could have happened to make finishing impossible, but it is working out. The best part of this post is when you let the contractor go. In doing so, you are showing up for you, which is key, and you are letting go of those who haven't shown up for you, also key and reminding the universe that you're willing to stand in alignment - and alone if you have to- to not let others/obstacles hold you back from what you are meant to manifest. Keeping parents in perspective, also key - all I can see from this is that you've grown so much from your family of origin that their feedback is no longer relevant; you take the wood chopping with grace, and say "duly noted" when your Dad thinks he's helping with the laundry list, and turn your attention to the next thing. I'm certain I'm not the only one holding your vision for the life you are building. I love that part of the country, and was lucky enough to spend time there when I lived in CA and know that time has passed. I so look forward to the content next year when you share about how wonderful the lodge is and how much the guests love it and how you get to steward this little oasis in the trees. And as for purpose or work, the ability to make our lived spaces more beautiful is a gift, and most people can't do it even if they wanted to. Stay in alignment and Godspeed!
Thank you for your vulnerability - it matters. If you are interested, folks might be up for a "booking in advance" type thing where they book your house NOW and redeem it in 2024??
Thank you! I am holding off on this bc I've had such bad luck and it's very bad to have to cancel on Airbnb bc it ruins your host rating. So while I *think* I should be ready to rent by January, I'm not 100% sure so I can't list just yet.
Makes sense; but I was thinking more of a friends & family "we give you money for a 'voucher' and then when it's available, you give us first dibs on dates and we rent direct through you" -- maybe that's too complicated? Also I totally realize that I am not "friends and family" but I have an active parasocial relationship, lol, that's not creepy right?!?!
Orlondo, I'm sad that you are still having such a difficult time getting to the finish line and having the financial and emotional space to sit back and relax and enjoy. Hang in there. The kitchen is looking fabulous though. Keeping you in my thoughts, Sona
Good on you for ending the relationship with the contractor. It is clear that person isn't taking you seriously. I have had my own contractor nightmares. In my case, I am also up in the mountains, a good distance away from a city (and "city" for me means population 50k, lol). It was from the city that I was able to find reliable people to finish my job. I end up paying more money than I would have had I stuck to local contractors. But I also got the job done in a reasonable time frame and saved my sanity, which was well worth the price.
Following the initial buildout disaster, I found a local handyman who is self taught and has no fancy degrees or certificates. He is young and has a child, no partner. So, he is quite hungry for work, comes when I need him, and sticks to a rough schedule. And I get to feel good about giving a local young person a healthy start to his career. He has basically re-built my house at this point. I found him because he was a former high school student of my husband. Maybe touch base with the public high school closest to you and see if they have students from their BOCES (what we call it in NY, maybe it is called something different in other states?) who would be interested in a project. Maybe start small and you can find some young talent that likely will be around for a while to help on bigger projects. Or maybe the BOCES instructors know of former students looking for work.
Just some random thoughts from someone who has been in what sounds like similar contracting nightmare situations where it feels like the end will never come. Then, once you think you are getting close, your hot water heater springs a major leak and you have to call someone on a Friday night and see if they show up. In my case, I called half the free world and the young handyman not only called me back (only one of two to do this), but also showed up an hour later and fixed it.
I can relate. My husband and I have been remodeling our house for six years. Contractors have been hard to work with a nail down. Countless contractors have some in and quotes never materialized and when we do get them the bids are wildly different in cost and time estimates.
Like Margaret said, your readers care about you, and even if the hard posts make me cry I am glad you are sharing and appreciate all of your vulnerability. I'm sorry your parents don't understand what you do, the impact of those words, or all you have given them. It is clear you love your family and have tried to do really incredibly special things for them. I always admire how your relationship appears, but realize even when we love our parents there can be such complicated things there. We are all really hoping the kitchen and Airbnb 'opening' works out as smoothly as possible, and won't forget what's behind it when we see those gorgeous pictures.
You are a breath of fresh air sharing your vulnerability as many of us can relate to the predicament you find yourself in. I too have family that don’t understand what I do so it was interesting reading this.
Oh Orlando, this is a post from the heart and it’s given me all the feels. I don’t know you but I am like so many others who feel somehow connected to you through your gift of writing and I just want to reach through the screen and give you a huge hug. I can empathise with having people in your life (even? Or especially?) family who don’t understand what you do and just how goddamned hard you work to make things look so beautiful (not to mention function so much better than before too!) I think it’s especially difficult and disappointing when we don’t get the appreciation and validation we seek from our parents, somehow that makes it even worse than if it was some random you’ve never met IRL, or that guy you worked with a decade ago. Mix into that emotional soup the really painful feelings of missing out on the life you want and had envisaged you would be enjoying “by now”, add in the Thanksgiving/Christmas scenario and the whole world’s insistence (well, maybe not the WHOLE world, but definitely the world of social media that absolutely EVERYONE is happy and living the dream and my friend you have a recipe for shame, grief, depression and sadness. All big feelings and emotions that can overwhelm even the most positive person. Hang in there, you’ve achieved so much at Orlondo Lodge already, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. The kitchen is looking absolutely amazing, can’t wait to see the “pretty pictures” very soon. Please consider doing something fun for Thanksgiving, I’m in a part of the world where we don’t celebrate that holiday but I know it’s a BFD (Big. F@#$ing. Deal) in the US - don’t be afraid to let your closest friends know how you’re feeling and ask them to come up to where you are and have a potluck dinner. All the very best, we’ve got you.
Hi Orlando, I'm rooting for you to complete the renovation and having a better, healthy 2024! I know my situation is different but I am also spending Thanksgiving solo. I am studying (or doing my best to study:) for part 4 of 4 of a darn exam for a license that has been hanging over my head for several years and holding me back in my career. I'm trying to imagine being in monk mode and channeling Zen and focusing as much as possible over the next few days. Hang in there and I know we'll both persevere and get our projects done!
Thanks for your honesty, your vulnerability and your courage. There are a lot of people cheering for you - no matter where you decide you want your life to go.
Please continue to use your readers as a blank slate into which you pour your frustration. There’s not much for us to do, or even say, that can make a huge difference, but please know that we all care about you, and hope for things to get better for you.
My former MIL used to say her favorite Bible verse was, “...and this too, shall pass”, which isn’t in the Bible at all, but spoke to her hope in shitty situations. I do find that when I am going through crap, I put up Post-It notes on mirrors with this very “verse”.
Which is to say that this time in your life will pass. You will realize your goals, whether it be a gorgeous home in the woods, or the sales price in your pocket. I don’t put much stock in lessons learned from shitty times (how often do we have to learn that contractors have zero sense of time?). But, I do believe that after the crap time has passed, after the result is in, the sense of having passed through it all and survived is important to our sense of making a difference in our own life. Ultimately, we are all we have. We can love and even marry, or begat, or live with others, but our own “self” is all we truly have. Experiences like yours allow you to see yourself as “up for the task”, if you will, of being enough. You set out on a journey and you completed it. You didn’t arrive with a white horse and chariot, but with blistered feet and broken bones, hating every step. But you arrived, goddamnit. And that is enough. And you are enough for these times. Maybe that’s the only lesson we need.
I know you will get through this shit, Orlando.
Margaret
We have just finished a 3+ year renovation. We had friends/PR over to see it the other night. They all loved it. "Oh, who did your walls?" Um, I did. "This floor is amazing, who laid it?" Um, we did. My husband literally built every single piece of this property by himself with me helping when and how I could. He feels like it has stolen his life for the past 3 years - I can very much relate to your feelings about your project. I enjoy following you but do not underestimate in the least the financial and emotional energy it is costing you. If I had my time again, I would not repeat this experience. Wishing you strength for the final push. Oh, and don't even talk to me about bad eating while working on this thing - gummy bears for lunch? Sure.
I know you didn’t ask for opinions, but I think you should stick it out. I’ve been in waiting purgatory before. When I went to do my PhD, my funding got messed up and I spent two years living on $20k USD/year in one of the highest COL cities in the world. I got backpay after two years, but it was brutal. I lived in 225 sq ft for four years. I shared that space with my newborn, too. I watched my life savings dwindle to nothing and about lost my mind with how badly my university was treating me. I had zero social life, a deeply traumatising/isolating child birth, and I ended my 10-year marriage. Like you, I had to shoulder so much alone without any help.
I survived, emerged, got the damn PhD, burnt out hard, and moved on with my life. I’m not working as an academic, not least because of that experience, but I achieved the goal/plan. I think I would’ve felt so much worse to have endured all that for nothing. When I was really low, I kept returning to the fact that I’d actually done what I had originally planned as a sort of touchstone: “I achieved that, I’m not incapable, I’m not a bottomless well of poor life decisions.”
So I vote stick it out, it’s darkest before the dawn (etc. etc.), you’re almost there, hang in there. When your income recovers, get lots of therapy. You can spend years drawing lessons from the experience. It’ll be great for personal growth in the end (said with some sarcasm, but also empathy). I released a lot of rage, learned a lot about myself, slowly rebuilt, and everything eventually got so, so much better. I think you’re very reflective and that could easily be your outcome too.
I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a tough time. It sucks to have so much out of your control and to feel so mired in uncertainty. You absolutely deserve to be fulfilled and appreciated and I hope you start to feel some of that soon. I appreciate your work and what you make brings me real joy, whether it’s a funny post or videos of Satie or how beautiful the kitchen renovation from hell is looking in the pic in this post! Thank you for sharing the good and bad. Sending you hugs and new year, hot new boyfriend energy ✨
Orlando - I've been reading your posts for quite a while, and it makes me sad that you're still stuck in renovation hell. Do you think it might be time to cut your losses and sell Londo Lodge and get rid of the massive weight that is crushing you and your spirit? I tend to make decisions by comparing the pros and cons, and I'm wondering if the scale has tipped to the con side on the Lodge. You are so deeply unhappy.
I recently went through three+ years of an unending variety of hellish occurrences. Every morning when I'd wake up, I'd feel like Sisyphus, pushing a huge rock up a hill only to have it roll back down to the bottom at the end of the day. Things are currently better (knock on wood), and I now can see how much stress and sadness I was weighed down by, much like you currently are. I really didn't like the person I had become, and it's going to take a while to get back to someone resembling my old self, but I am making progress.
Sometimes it's better just to let go and move on, rather staying with than the unhappy status quo. You are a wonderful and creative person, and there is nothing wrong with saying you've done your best, but the cons are really outweighing the pros.
Maybe, in the future when you are in a better situation financially you could buy another house that needs less work in less difficult and complicated circumstances.
Despite this post, I try not to give other people advice. We're all different, and we all see things differently.. But, in this case, my gut yelled "Sell it!!!, so I thought I'd pass it along. I hope that, whatever you decide, you will move into a better situation next year. Love, Anne
I think about this all the time. Firstly, my goal was never to flip this house. Second, selling in winter wouldn't be smart. Third, my credit is fucked so I'm scared the money would just end up getting eaten by debt and I'd be left with nothing. Fourth, mortgage rates rn. Fifth, I have put so much physical work into this house and I'd be sad if I never got to enjoy the fruits of my labor. It's a complicated equation that just isn't adding up to selling, yet. The scary thing about California home ownership is if you exit, it's very likely you won't be able to reenter. And I don't really wanna leave my home state again.
Yes! There is your fighting spirit and resilience, and the great way you balance the math on paper to the math in real 3d life. All choices are not equal, and you know deeply the value of the land you now hold and steward and that is what you're doing right now. You may be deep in the woods but you're not lost in the forest, just tired of the walk. When you arrive at the destination the walk will be over and the amenities will be wonderful, and holding your vision for the lodge, and going back to that vision which you have many times expressed here, is what is allowing you to finish this. Any number of things could have happened to make finishing impossible, but it is working out. The best part of this post is when you let the contractor go. In doing so, you are showing up for you, which is key, and you are letting go of those who haven't shown up for you, also key and reminding the universe that you're willing to stand in alignment - and alone if you have to- to not let others/obstacles hold you back from what you are meant to manifest. Keeping parents in perspective, also key - all I can see from this is that you've grown so much from your family of origin that their feedback is no longer relevant; you take the wood chopping with grace, and say "duly noted" when your Dad thinks he's helping with the laundry list, and turn your attention to the next thing. I'm certain I'm not the only one holding your vision for the life you are building. I love that part of the country, and was lucky enough to spend time there when I lived in CA and know that time has passed. I so look forward to the content next year when you share about how wonderful the lodge is and how much the guests love it and how you get to steward this little oasis in the trees. And as for purpose or work, the ability to make our lived spaces more beautiful is a gift, and most people can't do it even if they wanted to. Stay in alignment and Godspeed!
Thank you for your vulnerability - it matters. If you are interested, folks might be up for a "booking in advance" type thing where they book your house NOW and redeem it in 2024??
Thank you! I am holding off on this bc I've had such bad luck and it's very bad to have to cancel on Airbnb bc it ruins your host rating. So while I *think* I should be ready to rent by January, I'm not 100% sure so I can't list just yet.
Makes sense; but I was thinking more of a friends & family "we give you money for a 'voucher' and then when it's available, you give us first dibs on dates and we rent direct through you" -- maybe that's too complicated? Also I totally realize that I am not "friends and family" but I have an active parasocial relationship, lol, that's not creepy right?!?!
Orlondo, I'm sad that you are still having such a difficult time getting to the finish line and having the financial and emotional space to sit back and relax and enjoy. Hang in there. The kitchen is looking fabulous though. Keeping you in my thoughts, Sona
Hugs!
this sounds so hard 💔 thank you for sharing with us
Good on you for ending the relationship with the contractor. It is clear that person isn't taking you seriously. I have had my own contractor nightmares. In my case, I am also up in the mountains, a good distance away from a city (and "city" for me means population 50k, lol). It was from the city that I was able to find reliable people to finish my job. I end up paying more money than I would have had I stuck to local contractors. But I also got the job done in a reasonable time frame and saved my sanity, which was well worth the price.
Following the initial buildout disaster, I found a local handyman who is self taught and has no fancy degrees or certificates. He is young and has a child, no partner. So, he is quite hungry for work, comes when I need him, and sticks to a rough schedule. And I get to feel good about giving a local young person a healthy start to his career. He has basically re-built my house at this point. I found him because he was a former high school student of my husband. Maybe touch base with the public high school closest to you and see if they have students from their BOCES (what we call it in NY, maybe it is called something different in other states?) who would be interested in a project. Maybe start small and you can find some young talent that likely will be around for a while to help on bigger projects. Or maybe the BOCES instructors know of former students looking for work.
Just some random thoughts from someone who has been in what sounds like similar contracting nightmare situations where it feels like the end will never come. Then, once you think you are getting close, your hot water heater springs a major leak and you have to call someone on a Friday night and see if they show up. In my case, I called half the free world and the young handyman not only called me back (only one of two to do this), but also showed up an hour later and fixed it.
I can relate. My husband and I have been remodeling our house for six years. Contractors have been hard to work with a nail down. Countless contractors have some in and quotes never materialized and when we do get them the bids are wildly different in cost and time estimates.
Like Margaret said, your readers care about you, and even if the hard posts make me cry I am glad you are sharing and appreciate all of your vulnerability. I'm sorry your parents don't understand what you do, the impact of those words, or all you have given them. It is clear you love your family and have tried to do really incredibly special things for them. I always admire how your relationship appears, but realize even when we love our parents there can be such complicated things there. We are all really hoping the kitchen and Airbnb 'opening' works out as smoothly as possible, and won't forget what's behind it when we see those gorgeous pictures.
You are a breath of fresh air sharing your vulnerability as many of us can relate to the predicament you find yourself in. I too have family that don’t understand what I do so it was interesting reading this.
Oh Orlando, this is a post from the heart and it’s given me all the feels. I don’t know you but I am like so many others who feel somehow connected to you through your gift of writing and I just want to reach through the screen and give you a huge hug. I can empathise with having people in your life (even? Or especially?) family who don’t understand what you do and just how goddamned hard you work to make things look so beautiful (not to mention function so much better than before too!) I think it’s especially difficult and disappointing when we don’t get the appreciation and validation we seek from our parents, somehow that makes it even worse than if it was some random you’ve never met IRL, or that guy you worked with a decade ago. Mix into that emotional soup the really painful feelings of missing out on the life you want and had envisaged you would be enjoying “by now”, add in the Thanksgiving/Christmas scenario and the whole world’s insistence (well, maybe not the WHOLE world, but definitely the world of social media that absolutely EVERYONE is happy and living the dream and my friend you have a recipe for shame, grief, depression and sadness. All big feelings and emotions that can overwhelm even the most positive person. Hang in there, you’ve achieved so much at Orlondo Lodge already, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. The kitchen is looking absolutely amazing, can’t wait to see the “pretty pictures” very soon. Please consider doing something fun for Thanksgiving, I’m in a part of the world where we don’t celebrate that holiday but I know it’s a BFD (Big. F@#$ing. Deal) in the US - don’t be afraid to let your closest friends know how you’re feeling and ask them to come up to where you are and have a potluck dinner. All the very best, we’ve got you.
Hi Orlando, I'm rooting for you to complete the renovation and having a better, healthy 2024! I know my situation is different but I am also spending Thanksgiving solo. I am studying (or doing my best to study:) for part 4 of 4 of a darn exam for a license that has been hanging over my head for several years and holding me back in my career. I'm trying to imagine being in monk mode and channeling Zen and focusing as much as possible over the next few days. Hang in there and I know we'll both persevere and get our projects done!
Thanks for your honesty, your vulnerability and your courage. There are a lot of people cheering for you - no matter where you decide you want your life to go.