Let's Talk About Hot Guys at My Gym Again.

Thinking about hunks is all I have right now.

Photo by Anastase Maragos on Unsplash

I’m proud of myself for a few things lately. First, I’ve had some financial stressors and instead of melting into a pile like I wanted to do, I stood up and went into hyper drive to think of new ways to bring in money. I did a big sale on my online shop (which is now totally sold out!), I marketed and sold digital design consults, and I looked around for a roommate before putting a pin in it because it was getting complicated (everyone had a dog or couldn’t move in until March). I decided to sell the contents of my never-used guest bedroom so I can make that into a studio where I can make more drawings (the originals tend to sell better than prints I I think I’m going to concentrate on those for the holidays) and have a dedicated space to pack up orders so I’m not always doing it on the dining room table.

It’s been a rollercoaster, but things have just kind of worked the last few weeks and I’m thankful for that. One thing I’m proud of myself for not compromising on all year is the gym - I go pretty much every day I’m in LA and I enjoy it. I’m no longer willing to have meetings during my typical gym times and I treat it like a job. I know not everyone can be this selfish about their time, but I highly recommend it if you can.

Life will always ask you not to take care of yourself so you have to be really aggressive about doing so. Clients, coworkers, friends, and family will all come to you needing things all the time, making it nearly impossible to make time to exercise. Those people will also be the same people passing judgement on how you’ve let yourself go, or scold you for not taking better care of your health. So in this respect you have to be unabashedly selfish. I say this with a million caveats because I have so many friends who can’t be. Like my friend Selma who is currently the sole breadwinner for her family, has three kids including a newborn, and is dealing with trying to get her parents out of Asheville after the hurricane (sending love to everyone affected by those terrifying storms). I hate fitness people with a “no excuses” attitude because I’d say Selma is in a “yes excuses” situation where it would be literally impossible to workout. I have nothing but empathy for everyone as they seek out finding and maintaining health - it’s not easy to prioritize while you’re putting out a million fires every day.

I established in my first Hot Guys Post that one of my favorite things about the gym is making up names and backstories for all the hot guys there. I’ll text Kelly things like “OH MY GOD HAIRLINE IS HERE THANK FUCKING GOD!” It makes the workout more fun and it also helps me deal with the weirdness of being around the same people day after day, year after year, knowing them visually but really not knowing anything about them at all. That’s kind of weird, because you feel intimately connected to them in that you spend time together daily. But they are literal strangers who know nothing about you so there’s no relationship whatsoever. Which allows you to fabricate one in your head!

Here’s an updated list of the hot guys at my gym:

Rude Tan Military Dork

This guy is revoltingly sexy. I can’t tell his age because he has perfect skin but I’ve seen him around for years. He is ethically ambiguous and could literally pass for white, Black, Middle Eastern, literally any background. Once, we almost bumped into each other in the locker room. I said, “Oh, sorry!” and he grunted in fury. I can’t tell if he hates me or if he’s overwhelmed by my beauty, but he’s never given off a friendly vibe. Which is why I love him so much. It is my dream that someday he gets drunk at a party and comes over to me to tell me he’s been too intimidated by me to be friendly and that he wants us to spend the rest of our lives together.

Brad Goreski

Brad Goreski, the famous stylist, works out at my gym. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if he knows who I am. He is an attractive man with a smart husband. He also has the life we all deserve - he basically married a rich guy in his twenties and has been rich ever since. Maybe someday he will finally tell me he knows who I am and we will become friends and he will buy me something, preferably a new outfit because I dress like shit.

Hot Republican

Hot Republican is like 6’2” and has a badonkadonk. He’s got pretty blue eyes and a big sexy nose, which is a thing for me. He’s thicc all over and I love him deeply. And for some reason I know he’s a Republican. I might be able to look past that and marry him, you know, because of the bandonkadonk and the nose, but I’m not sure yet. Stay tuned!

Hairline

I see Hairline at parties all the time and I am obsessed with his hair. Have you seen those videos on Instagram where a stylist is styling a mens haircut and then PEELS THE WHOLE THING OFF TO REVEAL IT’S A TOUPEE? I love that shit! I love it because the toupees look SO good and I think everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. If a guy wants to be bald, hot! But if he wants hair, I’m happy there’s a solution for that. Anyway, Hairline’s hair looks like those toupees. I wouldn’t call Hairline “Hairline” if I wasn’t 100% this was his real hair, that would be mean. He has a very perfect, straight hairline, a square jaw, cute scruff, and mean-yet-handsome eyes. He’s rich and owns a business so it’s possible the hairline is the result of one of those hair transplants people get in Turkey, but if so it looks really good. He looks like Totally Hair Ken, a Ken doll from the nineties that had actual hair. One day, it is my dream to marry Hairline so I can brush his hair every night while we watch “Degrassi: Next Class.”

80s Brad

80s Brad is the epitome of an eighties villain. He has bright yellow (natural) blond hair, tan AF skin, and wears only neon shorts that look like swim trunks. You can tell he was mean to his kid sister growing up and never paid attention in class yet still squeaked by. He has an eighties surfer haircut and never seems to be doing much at the gym but wandering around making direct eye contact with literally everyone.

Finance Dickhead

I met Finance Dickhead at a party. He talks like he’s sucking oxygen through his teeth, seething with anger at your existence while displaying his perfectly straight, white teeth (really good veneers?). One time, at an outdoor dance party, I mistook his friend for someone else so he thought I was drunk and walked away immediately (in my defense the friend looked EXACTLY like someone I vaguely know). He is hot, and I hate him (but also would not say no to a long-term committed monogamous relationship).

Mayonnaise Model

One time, I saw a really hot guy at the gym and was like “He’s so cute but doesn’t know it!” His hair is the same color as his skin - both kind of beige. He’s got cute curly hair and huge, gorgeous legs. One time I saw him at Trader Joe’s and I almost fainted when we made eye contact. Even his blood is made of muscles. I thought he was cute, but the kind of cute that only I could see because I am so sophisticated and have such interesting, unique taste. Then I found out he’s an actual model with millions of followers that has a full ass cosmetics line he got because literally everyone thinks he is the hottest man alive. I am not original but I refuse to apologize for loving him. Also, there is not one single hot person in LA who doesn’t make a living off how hot they are.

Temu James

There’s a guy who works out at my gym who looks exactly like my ex boyfriend but if you bought him on Temu. Like, the same exact genetics, but scrambled. That’s really mean, I know. Which is why I am keeping this list anonymous. Also that ex is really hot so even a Temu version is still sexy AF.

Blond Husband

This guy once hit me up on Grindr then blocked me forever when he found out I don’t have abs. He’s got buzzed, perfect blond hair, big calves, and the dreamiest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. He works out for exactly seven minutes per day and has a way hotter body than I’ll ever have even though I workout for 2-3 hours daily. I call him Blond Husband because he’s married to another hot person. They are so happy and their lives are very fulfilling. They support and love each other and have the healthiest open relationship on earth where they have sex with everyone in LA (except me) and neither of them are ever triggered or jealous. Fuck them.

Mean Cornell

The first time I saw Mean Cornell, I didn’t think he was hot. This was right when I got back to being in LA full time in January, and while I was away new characters were cast and added to the gym without my knowledge or approval. You don’t see a lot of Cornell apparel at the gym I go to, so I took note when he was wearing the same hoodie I had. I was wearing a Cornell hat at the time and a weird streak of fear went down my spine. WHAT IF HE ASKS ME WHEN I GRADUATED AND HE’S LIKE TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER? I’d never really been in that scenario before, wondering if I’m old enough to be someone’s dad at the gym. So I went over and tried to figure out when he graduated.

I asked him if he’d attended Cornell, he glared back, and he said no, his sister did. And he was SO over me talking to him the minute I asked. This is the part about being gay that’s weird sometimes, you can’t talk to guys without them thinking you’re hitting on them, which I wasn’t. Unfortunately months later I saw him again and realized he was hot (wait, was I hitting on without knowing???). So now I have to look at him remembering how much he really doesn’t wanna talk to me every time I go to the gym. Anyway, he’s way too young for me but hot is hot. I have to accept the facts.

Tanthony

Tanthony is literally perfect and looks like a Barbie. He’s like 6’4” and I’m 100% sure he is tan all over. His skin is flawless. He went to at least one of the same fancy schools I did, which means he’s either smart or grew up rich with lots of help. He has never had a zit. I’m convinced that if he got one, he’d go to the ER and they’d rush him to the front of the line, realizing the importance of his beauty to the entire world. I fucking love Tanthony and want to hide him in a tower so no one but me can enjoy his beauty.

That’s it. There will be more hot guys soon. There always is!